Piped

19 days ago at this hour, the night before my first day, I was tossing and turning on my bed, feeling anxious about what to expect on the days to come. Having only four hours of sleep, I kept myself energetic throughout my first day of the nineteen days PIPE. I expected a crowd of less than fifty. But it turned out to be one of the largest group of pipe which amounted to 106 new execs. Bilik Melati of Equatorial Hotel Bangi was filled with people from various backgrounds exchanging hellos and which OPU they are attached to. At that point I wasn't aware that I'd be meeting new friends who would then become part of a close-knitted group of energetic kids.

The past three weeks had taught me many lessons and guided me through to where I am now. Learning the various backgrounds of these people taught me to focus on what I already have instead of what I want. Again, don't judge a book by its cover. People always surprise you. We have become so close, thanks to the non stop sessions of 8.30am-10.30pm everyday (and weekends) with only meal and prayer breaks. The sessions were focused on building our networking, bonding with each other, leadership capabilities and setting the right mindset which aligns with the company's corporate values. Our fascilitators had successfully accomplish the mission of the induction programme. It was the most tiring nineteen days of my life but I had the most fun for as far as I could remember. I am no longer unsure about the decision I made to join the only company owned by this country to have been listed in the Fortune Global 500. I am no longer unsure about working in this country. I wake up knowing there's a purpose. I look forward to it every morning.

I am so glad that I have successfully challenged myself to get out of my comfort zone by braving myself to talk to everyone, especially those who appear unapproachable, shy, alone, upset, etc. Like they say, challenge the status-quo. One which I have yet to overcome is not being able to work with a negative/reactive leader. I simple can't stand negativity and I would usually just walk away. I have also realized the reality of life. In one way or another I had found my way of understanding things better and discovering what I want in my life.

Life As We Know It

When I was 19, I couldn't wait to turn 20. Now the thought of turning another year older is just depressing. And that's only going to happen 11.5 months from now. Haha!

While driving back home, I received an sms from my ex colleague, asking me what would be my ideal Saturday night (It's Sat night now). Such a random question. I answered that it would be a nice walk at the harbour and then make out after that, if it's my boyfriend I'm having the nice walk with. Otherwise, a movie night in with good snacks under my comfy blanket. He said that his would be a good road trip. I asked why isn't he on that road trip then. Well, it's his birthday tomorrow (today). His new resolution? To understand what life means. And he said that I have someone, so I am on the right track (See how people judge like you have it all but you don't). He said he needs to understand himself better so that other people would understand him. We agreed that we're sad people talking about life on a Saturday night.

I hate horror movies. It doesn't make sense that people actually pay, to scare the shit out of themselves. On the other hand, I think I am scaring myself. I feel like I am sinking deeper into it, thus I take things more seriously. And it's freaking me out. AAAAAHHHHH!!! Scared. Shit. Okay, act cool. Thanks.

I so love James Morrison's You Make it Real.
And sweet relish in my hotdog.

Deprived of a deep sleep.

An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love

This is a love letter by Richard Carlson for his wife on their 18th anniversary. He died from some disease after that. He didn't know when he was gonna die during the time he wrote that letter. In that letter; If you have an hour to live, who would you call? What would you say? And why are you waiting? He wrote in that letter that he is not dying, just inspired by their love and beauty of life. I think that that's the best gift anyone could ever be given. It sounds like a fairy tale. Maybe a little too corny.

We know we're going to die someday. Living each day like you have no tomorrow encourages you to live on the edge and not take things for granted. Doesn't our religion teach us that? Carlson said in his letter that if he had an hour to live, he wouldn't check his emails , voicemail or his Palm Pilot because the world wouldn't come to an end if he didn't get to all these things. He wouldn't call anyone who owed him money, or wronged him in any way during his lifetime. He wouldn't call his lawyer who handles his stuff when he's gone cos who cares anyway. He said:

"No, if I had an hour to live and I could only make one call, it would be to my life partner, Kris."

And I cried my eyes out when Kris Carlson read that part of the letter on Oprah (yea yea yea of course). I don't think I have ever seen any couple more in love than they are. From the letter he wrote to her and from they way she speaks of him on the show. Wonder if I would ever have a man to love me that way. At least I know now that kind of love doesn't only exist in fairy tales. Why do people ever stop writing love letters these days?

Dreaming too much.

By Your Side

2.54am.

Still awake. I'm hungry. My body is aching. And I am blogging. Right now I would really like to have my Sara Lee's honeycomb and butterscotch ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce. Pleasure. My sinful pleasure.

It's true what they say. We always look at other people who appear to have better things, better pay, better boyfriend/girlfriend, better car, etc and we judge them as having it all and nothing to worry about. Well the good news is that everyone has shitty things on their minds to think about and not everything is nice and dandy. Life is certainly not easy. Coping with it comes with falling and rising back up again (am i making sense?). To be honest, sometimes when I watch Beyonce or whoever on tv, I secretly wish that I could sing as good. Then I could sing my worries away (HAHAHA!) and have lots of money by using my talent which comes free. Haha I'm so funny. Pfft.

On the other hand, it breaks my heart seeing anyone who is less fortunate than I am, struggling to make the best out of his/her life. And here we are, taking everything for granted. It would be nice to know that someday everyone would be given the same opportunities. Especially in education. That's the stepping stone which would lead us to different paths of life. There shouldn't be a barrier to education.

I feel like I'm in a dark place lately. I need new curtains.

love, dreamer.

Lost & Found

Quoting Meredith Grey, "We're not happy and glowy".
Quoting Betty Suarez, "Sometimes when someone wants something so badly, they forget who's involved. They forget what matters the most".

All I wanna do now is lay on the white sands under the sun at Bondi Beach until there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a career in beach-bumming.

In Good Company

A string of thoughts came into mind while driving back from the gym today. It started with realizing how much I look forward to tomorrow (today). I get to meet up with my colleagues again, since our last meeting last Friday.

Before over a year ago I think I spent most of my uni life being tied down to a commitment I didn't wish to be in. Then came an old acquaintance on one cold autumn night. I think that I was drawn to him because he was the only part in my life that people around me don't know much about that time. It felt like it's the only place I can have a little freedom in without the other person being nosy. The only place I feel comfortable venting, just about anything. That makes him one of the closest person. Some things in my life were made clearer. The only one I give the privilege to to be honest about what he thinks, as judgmental as one could be. I think the fact that we both take honesty very seriously is the reason that made me feel comfortable. As busy as he was running his life, I relied on him so much at the time I burnt a toast (haha), he managed to be there all the time to talk and listen and judge. I miss that. I think that's a true friend and everyone else would agree.

I used to hate she who turned out to be one of the people who sees right through me when I myself couldn't understand. As much as I don't like hearing the truth from her at times, it always turns out to be right. She has so much strength in herself to have the ability to hide her darkest emotions. I have always tried to do that but I always fail. A big chunk of strength I learnt to pick up the pieces was from her. I don't feel the need to hide the crazy, sometimes unacceptable behaviour from her because of her understanding. There's always something that I want to share and she'd always laugh and cry with me for that.

I grew up with another friend who still remains close to me until today. My childhood friend who knows me and my past too well. To this date, I can't recall a time which she gave negative remarks about myself to me. She is always supportive in everything. Everything. She doesn't judge. Always cheering from behind. Always understood. I know that I can get a good laugh with her when I need one without fail.

I miss having late night talks, long life conversations, sharing random thoughts. I enjoy good company. A place we can talk, share, laugh, cry and be honest about each other. It feels like it doesn't come around as much anymore. And that could make one feel like shutting down. This is the string of thoughts which made me realize that these days my colleagues are my only good company when everyone else is too busy. Now that the 21 of us are separated and assigned to different locations for 2 months, it feels like "argh!". So, even a little thing like having lunch with colleagues tomorrow can make me feel excited.
Looking down the building, I can only see an empty road. Safety net nowhere to be found. Let's wish there's a first aid kit down there.

love, dreamer.

One year

I think that people should equate the speed of time with the speed of light. So much has happened since the past one year. God knows how many ups and downs, how many smiles and tears, how many attempts of running away, how many sleepless nights. I think all of us have gone through too much since the past one year. So many things have changed. People hooking up and breaking up. Newborns, weddings and funerals. I always wish that Doraemon actually exists, maybe in a different less weird form. Then we can go back in time to when we're truly happy, and go through it again cause that moment doesn't come knocking on our doors all the time.

I find it amazing how in one year we have learned so much, at the same time we still don't know enough. Time passes by so quickly and in a blink of an eye, I'll be a year older. Have I achieved everything I'd set out to achieve in a year? Not even close. But the one or two things which turned into reality are the major ones. At least I'm not a liability to my parents anymore. At least I know that I can love someone this much. At least I know what my passion is. At least I realized how much I depend on my closest friends for support.

It has been a great unexpected one year. Unexpected. Wonderfully imperfect. Amazingly perfect.
At least I know that I am the best side of myself in this, which I never knew existed.
I love you more than I myself know.
(Not that he reads this, but yea).

F*** corny sial.

love, dreamer.

Put Into Words

Yesterday while chatting with some colleagues, we talked about our 'gifts'. One of them could hypnotize, the other one could read people's behavior. They're interesting people I can tell you that. So I asked him, what he thinks of me. He paused for a while and his mind wandered off which took him longer than it should to answer my question. He said I have a contradicting personality and I have unresolved issues. I gave him a sarcastic smile but told him that I kinda agree with him.

It's ironic how I'd always known that fact but could never quite explain them in the right words. Contradicting. Unresolved issues. They're so simple yet it took me long enough to find out. But haha, no they don't apply to every situation in my life. But yea I do contradict myself at times (you do too okay). Maybe it's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know what would be right. Then again, my dear wise friend told me, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". From then on I try to remember that and choose to be happy, when decisions to be made confuse me.

I'm getting myself too attached that I am scaring myself by that fact. Haha! What a joke. Nothing lasts forever. So why do we put so much energy into something we fancy, which gets us too attached, and when it's time to let go we break ourselves. So what's the point? But then we still do it cos we know we will be happy in getting what we want. Why should anything else matters when you're happy? (An illustration of me contradicting myself).

I want to save the environment by helping to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released. But I can't sleep without the air-cond turned on. Yup. The boyfriend pointed this out to me. Great, I can never save the world now, can I? Pfft.

love, dreamer.

Redefining

What I love about my work is that we get paid for learning and socialising. It's ironic how this job reminds me how much I hate tests. Pfft. But everyday I look forward to new things which I will learn, and the silly talks with my colleagues which never fail to make me laugh my ass off. I guess that in general we humans don't like a new environment and resent changes. Until tonight, I never realize that I like the new environment I am in mostly because of the sense of acknowledgement we share. We still barely know each other that well and we make many kind of presumptions towards each other. It's fun. We think that we're as smart as hell (thus why we're the chosen ones) but I know that my academic performance is nowhere near their level. At the same time I discovered my other potentials which I never knew ever existed. So, acknowledgement. Score! Really, I don't believe that I would get the same kind of acknowledgement from people who'd been in my life longer. I guess that it's kind of a redefining moment for me. Going to work is a motivation (surprise, surprise) especially when the feeling of being a failure overpowers everything else. Outside work I think I am a failure as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a bestfriend, as a partner, you name it. Only sometimes ey. I think being in a new environment gives you another chance for a first impression, which sinfully makes me feel good. I can't remember the last time someone thinks that I'm an interesting person to talk to, that I am a nice person, that I am reliable, that I am a leader, that I am a good listener, that I am funny (wth?). All of those were said, which I never thought of as myself. Like the saying goes, who you really are is a mirror of how others see you. Sometimes I feel like disappearing.

Then on the other hand, how do you cope with the feeling of being a failure? It's such a subjective topic that no one would have an accurate measure of it.

love, dreamer.

Time Behind Closed Doors

When we were seven, we talked about the newest Barbie dolls and action hero figures. When we were twelve, we talked about girl/boy bands and what's cool. When we were fourteen we talked about other people's business, like who's the bitch in school and who likes who. When we were seventeen we talked about our final exam and who broke up with who. In college we talked about our future careers and which club to go next. We talk about different things as we grow through time.

Three weeks have passed since I started a new phase of life. 9 hours a day with people who are equally competent in their own strengths. Being the youngest among the 21 smart asses, somehow it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't take life too seriously. I don't put as much pressure in any aspect of my life, or at least I try. They come from various backgrounds with different life experiences. Yet, one thing they have in common is direction in life. Now I know why our employer has high expectations on us being the future leaders. These people think ahead. Thanks for the pep talks, good friends (as they'd like to be regarded). It's funny how a conversation about my short trip to Australia led to being asked "So where is your relationship heading to? Why waste time?". Wow. Did I mention that half of them are about to settle down? 9 hours a day, and 95% of the time they talk about relationships. I don't know why, they just do.

The answer is simple. I just don't wanna give up. Is that wrong?

love, dreamer.

In Between Dreams

Okay so here's something honest.
I used to think that blogging is stupid and it's for people who don't have a life of their own.
I'm sorry but I have to be honest about what I used to think.
Until, well, until I felt like I needed a place where nobody knows me and where I can spill shits to. Which was May 2007.

That was just an introduction which has nothing to do with this post. Sorry. So I got inspired to write this post when I felt a pinch in my stomach yesterday. I can still feel it at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck in between two options, and both seem so vague to you. You don't know what the future holds for both options and you could only keep your eyes closed and take the risk of walking in the thick fog. What's worse is when your heart tells you something but you choose to be optimistic. Now now, optimistic or idealistic? I'd say idealistic. And we're supposed to be realistic. To me, if I were to be realistic it would mean giving up on a chance being given to me, and not being patient enough (rule out your friends' experiences in the same case). Being idealistic, is of course, being a little bit too dreamy and a little bit too optimistic. You know what your head is telling you. You know that no matter how vague the picture in your mind is, being idealistic will not bring you to where you want to be.

So I'm conflicting with these two vague options. You want a sweet apple but you know you're only getting the sour orange (wtf?). Your heart isn't leaning towards any one of it more than it does on the other. You're just stuck in the middle, with extra weight in your heart whichever path you choose.

Fuck reality.

love, dreamer.

A Sack of Candies

Life is like a box of chocolates is totally overrated.

For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.

I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.

love, dreamer.

Comfort

Somehow we as human beings always find something to comfort our instable emotions. Be it food, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, the beach, or just anything which would help us feel better. I turn to f.r.i.e.n.d.s. Watching it over and over again never fail to cheer me up a lil'. It doesn't help solve my confusions, it doesn't help giving me directions which I need in life, it doesn't tell me what to do, it doesn't ask me anything. Yes, at times I turn to food for comfort. Emotional eater as some would say. But most of the time it doesn't comfort me at all, and instead makes me kill myself at the gym. Seriously, 1.5hrs of cardio and an hour session of yoga kills me enough. Comfort food only destroy the efforts I made. The chocolate coated digestives biscuit is 85 calories each. That's like, 12 minutes on the treadmill? Let's be honest. I don't eat only one biscuit at a time. At least four. You do the math. Okay that's not my point.

My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.

No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.

Let's get stoned! Woohoo!

love, dreamer.

Economics of Love

Thank you for sharing this with me, dear rainbow heart sister.

"In general, and with rare exceptions, the returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship."

"You need expectations that match reality before you can make some progress. There may be exceptions, but they are rare."

Adapted from: NYTimes.com, Ben Stein, Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics, 13th July 2008.

Risk? Check! Expectations? Check! Returns? Check! Investment? Check! Losses? Check! Economic/Relationship Cycle? Check! Realistic measures? TBA!

My EL = Very high risk investment with an ultramicroscopic size of possible long term gains.

Sell off this investment and buy a lower risk investment instead? Off the table :)

love, dreamer.

Wanted

After dropping him off at his apartment in the evening, I was emosi-ing in the car because I don't know when would be the next time I see him. Then at night I went cuckoo while on the way to watch Wanted with the newlyweds because I was missing him so much. Like a little girl who couldn't get that most sought after Barbie, I was "Naaaaakkkkk Jooooonnnnnnnnnnnn". Bodoh, memalukan.

I miss him. Like mad.

love, dreamer.

Useful Tips

I have been home for nearly 4 weeks now. And just after the wedding which was 11 days ago, my daily schedule is not filled with any activity, besides gym in the morning. Other than that, just the usual routine; eat, sleep, tv, online. Shopping is ruled out because, enough is enough. At one point, it's just enough. Being unemployed for 7 months makes me feel how valuable money is *cough cough*. So I came up with a list of things to do if unemployed:

1. Visit www.economist.com, I don't know shit about whatever's going on these days. (Useful tip: Would be useful during interviews).
2. Join the gym, make friends with everyone there cos it's fun when you know people there, especially if you go alone. (Useful tip: Can get potential dates from the gym).
3. Learn to cook new dishes. Seriously, I make the best chicken tortilla wrap. (Useful tip: Prepares you to nest).
4. Go for as many trips as possible, even if it means joining someone else's honeymoon, or mom's work-related course in the East Coast.

Warning:
If you are unemployed and getting involved in anyone's wedding, DO NOT plan or fantasize about yours. Disaster.

That's all that I have been doing. I need a job.

love, dreamer.

Run From You, Run To You

All I want to do now is to run away. That's what I do best. In fact, that's one of my best talents. I wish that for once I know what to do and what is right. That's something which I need to decide by myself, for myself. Isn't there a guide book which tells you what you should do in a given situation? Or what you should decide given the current circumstances? Haven't we heard from somewhere that only fools listen to their heart? Maybe there isn't such guide book because to know what is right and what to decide, we have to believe in ourselves enough and know what ground we're standing on. How does a book guide you into telling you what to believe in, because different people hold different beliefs and different sets of values. There! That's when I run. But running is not growing. If you don't risk you don't learn, thus you don't grow.

I wish I know what the future holds, so that I can be prepared when I am about to fall. But if I am prepared, obviously I could stop myself from falling. How do I learn then? I barely slept last night. I was probably asleep for 3 hours and was half awake half dreaming during the remaining hours. The whole time I was thinking of ways to never let myself fall, perhaps at least the possibility of preventing myself from falling, and how to get back up if I ever fall again. I think that I have had enough heartbreaks (not that I'm implying that I'm in a relationship crisis or anything). It wasn't many. But broken enough to discreetly diminish my faith and beliefs.

love, dreamer.

Speech

Part of my speech at the wedding reception last Saturday:

"Walking down the aisle in the ballroom just moments ago was when I finally faced the fact that my brother whom I grew up with is no longer a boy, but a man with full of hope, faith, sincerity and love to make a commitment many of us are still afraid to make. I am really proud to see the brother I grew up with, has become a man. To my loving brother Afiq, who has always been the person we all go to, when times are good and rough. My earliest memory about you was that we always stick together when we were kids. I remember that whenever I was scared, you would protect me. Until today. You always took care of me when our parents were not around. I remember that I cried so hard on my first day of school because I couldn’t find you around and you came to my rescue afterwards. Just as how you have always protected me, I promise that I will protect you just the same. I promise that I won’t tell anyone that you used to play with my Barbie dolls. There are many more memories which, as I grow up I realize how much I have always count on you as my brother, and that I could count on you no matter what the circumstances are. You have been the most amazing brother and I am truly blessed for that. No one can ask for a better brother. "

love, dreamer.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Last year was an amazing year. Highs and lows which brought me where I am today. The happiest period of time was last Spring in Sydney. So many stories, so many moments, which are still being repeated in my head, wishing I could turn back time and go through it again. That was the time when I enjoyed living in the moment. I truly understood the meaning of living in the present. The joy of being in the present. It went away just as quickly as it came. Everything seemed so beautiful, so alive, so new, so wonderful.

I want a story. I wonder if I would ever have one which could be shared on my wedding day and bring me to tears as I listen to it. I wonder if someone would look at me the way he did. And still look at me the same way till the end.

love, dreamer.

Don't Link Me!

Dear favourite people, don't link me in your blogs! But add me ruberstella@gmail.com :)
I want to put my blog on private but so many complain that it's a hassle having to log in just to read my blog. Dang. So, don't link! Please!

love, dreamer.

Forever

This is a picture of two people who are in love and made a commitment to be with each other forever, for better or worse. These are two brave people, who have enough faith in each other to make such commitment.

To some of us it is scary. To some of us it is a big deal. To some of us it is the end of freedom. I think that some of us feel that way because we haven't found the right person. Or that we haven't reached that point in our relationship where we feel that it's all worth it. To me a marriage is a beautiful thing... (long pause) because of the faith and hope the two people have in each other that make them strong enough to make a commitment most of us are afraid of.

The moment I see the way the newlyweds look at each other, with full of hope, trust, faith, love and pure happiness, I couldn't help even a tear from falling. I am learning to take a very deep breath to stop my tears from falling at weddings. Gosh, so corny. It's the feeling that we all yearn for deep inside but never want to admit it. Okay lost my train of thoughts. Bye.

love, dreamer.

Giving and Taking

Happiness comes when you expect nothing in return.

That's what my mom told me. It took me quite some time to accept that and learn to implement it. It's really hard. Slowly, I think I am getting there.

I think that sometimes it depends on the situation that you're in, that determines what sort of a person you tend to become. You would listen better if your teacher is more open and understanding. Isn't that the same case in any kind of relationship? I think there is a myth about, not giving your all because you're gonna end up getting hurt and taken advantage of. I have always believed that. I'm not sure if I still believe that, because it's quite selfish isn't it? If all of us hold on to that same belief, then everyone's just going to be self-centered and selfish. That's just plain ego. And isn't that against our religions? The religions have different terms, but have the same meaning, and that's the dysfunction of our mind.

I had an enormous size of ego. I refused to give my best because I felt that he's unworthy, in my previous relationship that is. But now. Now. I am learning to give and give, and try not to expect anything in return. It's hard and scary giving my best because I have never done it before until now. It's scary because I am scared of feeling unworthy if I'm not given nearly as much as I am giving. Nonetheless, giving your best in your relationship should apply to every relationship to make it work right? Or is it because giving your best expressed differently in different relationships in different ways? So, am I being given just as much as I am giving but don't know how to see it, or am I just kidding myself for giving my best? I'm as scared as hell.

All I can do now is giving and not expecting anything in return. Because not giving but expecting in return clearly didn't work out for me. I'm letting my guards down that I have never been so vulnerable in my life. But that's how it's supposed to be to make it work isn't it? Taking risks. Kinda fun. Kinda suicidal. May god bless me and I survive if I ever fall. I blame myself for being too in love. Bite me.

love, dreamer.

A New Earth

A New Earth has made it to the top in my list of favourite books. Oprah named Eckhart Tolle as the God of Spiritual Teaching. His teaching is not aligned to any religion or culture. I have only read 12 pages, and there is no way I can convince anyone to believe how deeply it got into me. I feel like I am feeling and understanding myself. As if someone is speaking to me about who I am deep inside. Still, 12 pages won't bring you even close to a life changing phase. Not yet. I am still unawakened, imperfect, and everything human.

Months ago, I was hurt. Hurt so badly that it was worse than a broken heart, and I was never hurt that way before. I believe that it was because I was holding on to things which I don't know if I was doing the right thing. Everyone has their highs and lows. And I guess at that point I felt that I didn't have a soft place to fall, where I can be strong to safely get back up.

Until last July, I had a huge ego. I was stubborn. I was rebellious. I was angry. I was unhappy. I refused to give the best of me. And it was all because I had lost myself, and tried so hard to be myself but was not allowed to. Then till now, I am my self (notice the space between 'my' and 'self'). Tiniest size of ego. I put other's feelings first. I listen. I am not angry. I don't complain. I am giving the best of me. If I am being appreciated, in what way is it being expressed? I just want that answer.

I hope A New Earth would help.

love, dreamer.

Finale

It took going out with someone else, and seeing a therapist, to get Derek and Meredith to finally end up with each other. In reality, yes it takes shitty things to go through to make it work, but reality isn't on your side when it comes to a happy ending like theirs, does it? This isn't a pessimist talking, it's a realist instead. Derek swept Meredith off her feet all the time. I hate living in this show every time I watch it. Wishing the rush and the skipped heartbeats are real stuff. Damn the scriptwriters.

love, dreamer.

Blessed, Not Lucky

Just wondering. If we believe that God plans everything for us, then we are blessed by God in achieving our dreams, wishes and prayers. Are we lucky, or blessed, for having a roof as a shelter? Are we lucky, or blessed, for scoring that promotion? Are we lucky, or blessed, to win a trip to Europe? God plans it all, and things don't just happen by luck. So we're blessed. Right? Why do we say that we're lucky then?

I just had a good dinner with friends, although I wasn't even hungry while there are millions of children around the world who are suffering from hunger. If you're reading this, clearly you are blessed, because you have enough money to own a computer/laptop, and enough money to access the internet. Surely you have enough money for food too. I don't believe that you're on a risk of getting blown up by bombs too.

You didn't get a Distinction for your assignment because you didn't put enough effort. You got your heart broken because you've failed to realize how much you're worth. You didn't get that job because it isn't suitable for you. Your friends fucked you up because you put too much faith in them. Think again. And stop feeling sorry for yourself.

love, dreamer.

Happiness

Inspiring Quotes:

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer

Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations. - Edward De Bono

Sometimes I tend to forget that we learn to be stronger when we fall. Thanks to my experiences, I believe that everything happens for a good reason, to bring us to where we are, to shape us into who we want to be. At times it takes a tragedy to make us realize that we are blessed with what we have, and learn to appreciate what we already have instead of searching for the things we can't have. I was told that happiness comes when we expect nothing in return.

What gets us 'lost' in living is being ungrateful. Sometimes it's okay to feel 'lost', cos then you'll realize what you have been blessed with once you get back on the right path. That's when you figure out what is important to you and appreciate the little things even more. It's okay to be 'lost', because it's a learning experience to help you grow and figure things out.

love, dreamer.

Al-fatihah

Hi,

After years of battling with his health, my grandfather has gone back to rahmatullah at 10.35am KL time on the 21st of April 2008.

Sometime 10 years ago, my parents told me that my grandfather has been diagnosed with the Alzheimer's disease, a side-effect we're all aware that he'd get after his operation. Along the years, his memory loss became more and more apparent. And at one point which I never noticed, he forgot the names of his grandchildren, and it went on. He only remembered the people who were always by his side, especially my grandmother and his children. I'm sad because I don't have a lot of memories about him. A picture which is always on my mind was a time when he stood by the door of his house with his golf bag in his red striped polo tshirt, waited for my uncles to go golfing. I remember we went to London together, and I stayed at the hotel with him most of the time playing with my doll while everyone went for their shopping spree (the time when I was into dolls, not shopping). We went to the States together too but I can't remember that. We went to Pulau Tuba where we stayed in a chalet by the waterfall which my uncle built, and Penang!

When he started getting really sick, he barely gets up on his feet. Then came the time when he had to start using a wheelchair. It became harder for him to walk to the kitchen table to have lunch or dinner with us. It was almost impossible for me to see him lying on his bed, looking absolutely frail and fragile. It was hard because he had been an active and strong man. Seeing him weak just made me sad throughout the years he was sick. He started forgetting my name, then forgot that I'm his granddaughter. That happened to everyone. He had been sick for many years and was in pain at the end. I am sad, because I've lost someone, who was the head of the Taib family. I'm also glad that he is now content and in a better place. I have been keeping his book which he passed to his daughter-in-law, my mom. It's the 1937 edition of "The Hobbit" by J.R.R Tolkien. How cool? I've never read it but it's sitting in my bookshelf in my room. It's very old.

I never had the chance to tell him that I love him. Tok Ayah, I love you.

love, the loving granddaughter.

Uncertainty kills

Hi,

I do this to myself all the time. Second guessing my actions and decisions. Unsure about what I should do. When I get the feeling that I should do something, I always manage to find reasons which would stop me from doing it. I don't know if that's just me being in denial to face reality, or me being fantastic for holding on to faith. Sometimes I believe in impossible things, I can't help it. Again, I don't know if that's being a believer, or a dreamer. Every decisions I make, every thoughts I allow to cross my mind, I'm always torn in between two different reasonings. You see, I'm trying to do the right thing as I've learned from my mistakes. I think I know what I should do for my own sake, but then what if that's the wrong thing to do? I don't think I have enough faith in myself to act on my own decisions. All I know is that I should hold on to what makes me happy. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Gosh so stop thinking already dammit! Bye.

love, dreamer.

Numb

Have you ever been in a place where you are in the middle of nowhere? You want to go somewhere safe but if you start walking on the road to your left, you'd be walking on pieces of broken glasses. If you start walking on the road to your right, you'd get your chest slit opened and your heart stabbed by an asylum escapee. The latter is quick, but it's painful. Or do you just stand where you are right now, wait for some kind of a miracle to happen by holding on to faith. Oh, did I mention that faith backfired on you the last time? Expecting and hoping are out of the list and you can't count on them.

I am being the best I can be because I believe that anything good and worth it is hard. People don't just give up when they want to have something right? And yes, I was the kind of person who gives up all the time when times are hard. In anything. So is this some kind of a patience test? I should get a medal then shouldn't I? All I want to know is whether my effort will be paid off with generous credits, or am I just kidding myself? I am in the middle of nowhere, where hopes and dreams aren't allowed. Left, right, middle....all the same.

love, dreamer.

Happy Lovers' Day

I so love Like a Star by Corinne Bailey Rae. Oh, happy valentine's day to everyone who loves me :)
I feel so...single. I will throw my slippers to any couple who displays their affection publicly today, no kidding.

I visited my bestfriend at her place as it was her birthday and she happened to have a massive headache. And I couldn't stop giggling watching her boyfriend pampering her and caring for her because I never thought he's that type. No wonder she still gets weak in her knees after 1+ years. I'm happy that she gets part of the happiness she truly deserves.

This actually made me think about being moderate. You know how humans are never satisfied with what they have. Too little of something and too much of something is never good. It's best to be somewhere in the middle to attain good balance. When you get too little of something, you crave for more. When you get too much of something, you wish it would go away. I on the other hand personally feel that too much of something is better than too little of something, cos that's where your satisfaction is overmaximised.

love, dreamer.

Untitled

I have about 35 days left in KL. Then I'm off to Sydney, then Melbourne. It's as scary as hell but I am looking forward to it. Hell I don't even know if I'm good enough to get a job there. I hope I get a job real soon. I feel like a hopeless unemployed graduate.

If you want something, you gotta work for it like you want it. Not sit around, waiting for things to just happen.

I need a getaway.