sad. broken. a million little pieces. want to bang something and break something. want time to fly..really fly so i can get past all this quickly. it's so cruel. it's so stupid. it's so everything.
all i wanna do is cry.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
That thing. The feeling.
It's something that is killing you inside so very silently. What is that?
It's crushing you. What is that? It's weird and hard to describe.
All you know is you want to cry, but you're not. It's like a gravity inside of you, bringing you down with force.
It's weird. Don't know what it is.
Good night.
It's crushing you. What is that? It's weird and hard to describe.
All you know is you want to cry, but you're not. It's like a gravity inside of you, bringing you down with force.
It's weird. Don't know what it is.
Good night.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Burnt Toast, again.
This is what that happens when you are stubborn.
You know from the beginning but yet you told yourself that it's worth risking. You gave away and exposed every tiny bit of the hopes and faith you rebuilt. Every confidence and self-esteem. Your strong belief in miracles. Every strength. You rebuilt. It was your own hard work which you had to recover and heal. You gave it away in the form of vulnerability the moment you were swept off your feet. Idiot. Which idiot would let that happen? Me.
This is so pathetic to the level that I can't even accept the fact that I am actually blogging this. Man, I hate blogging. It exposes my vulnerability without limits. Argh! I really don't know what I have been doing for the past 2 years or so. I don't know what I have achieved. The last time I remember being ecstatically happy was, well, 2 years ago or so. The moment went away so quickly that I don't know what the hell had been happening since then. It's like I allowed my everything being washed away by the waves. Small waves which I could have avoided but didn't. I was reckless. I don't do regrets. But this time I don't know why I am feeling regret. It's like, you did your best in your assignment, and you did not get the credit you deserved. At all. Your lecturer is just so mean. I'd confront him if I were you.
There's just too much anger. The things I have kept for 2 years or so. It's all suddenly coming out of me, like I am remembering a lotta things now. Things which disappointed me and made me really sad and lonely. It's not how it was supposed to be. But that was the case. Funny huh. You gave your everything but it wasn't enough. The anger makes me stop being in denial. So that's good. It makes me realize the many things I deserve but did not get, for the past 2 years or so. It's more heartbreaking than any other situation that I have been in. It's so sad that it's hard to have tears anymore. That's just how sad it is for me. Now that's bad. I know deep inside of you, when you were younger, you wished that you will find someone who will love you enough. But what is enough anyways? What's enough for him might not be enough for you. It's so subjective.
What's sad is that you know that you have been making so many sacrifices, the little ignored ones too. Cos you told yourself that it's worth it. You told yourself that it's okay. It's okay even if he's not around that much. Why? Cos you keep waiting for him. You keep waiting and telling yourself that someday he'll come around and be that guy who swept you off your feet again. But he never did, after waiting for 2 years or so. That moment only lasted for a while. Only because it was convenient, and it happened at the right place and at the right time. That moment's gone 2 years ago. He still doesn't know what's important to you, after 2 years or so. What does that say? It says that you have been alone all this while and you know it. Denial was standing in your way. Congratulations.
2 years ago or so, he would do just about anything. He walked with you. Talked with you. Paid attention to you. All you needed to do was call, and he would be there. Sometimes you didn't even have to do anything and there he was. Efortless. It was all butterflies and happiness. Forty days later (okay, around that), you realized that he actually missed your birthday. On purpose. None of your boyfriends ever missed it. Then this person you love most did. How excruciatingly painful. Then the disappearances started. You changed your flight ticket home three times just so you can catch him in the same city. But that, of course, did not happen. He was not even there when your grandfather passed away, and you were living in the same city. Perfect. And you had only been with him for 7 months. *clap clap*. And you do realize that you always plan your schedule (life) around his schedule, don't you? Shoot yourself now. What the hell were you thinking all this while? All that, among many others, should be enough here. Then he puts up a wall in between. Perfect! Perfect way to get rid of 'complication'. Does that even matter anymore? It's like worrying about the icing of the cake when you can't even get the cake base right.
You are not important to him. He can certainly live without you. So hold back those tears that ain't worth falling.
Now, start living.
You know from the beginning but yet you told yourself that it's worth risking. You gave away and exposed every tiny bit of the hopes and faith you rebuilt. Every confidence and self-esteem. Your strong belief in miracles. Every strength. You rebuilt. It was your own hard work which you had to recover and heal. You gave it away in the form of vulnerability the moment you were swept off your feet. Idiot. Which idiot would let that happen? Me.
This is so pathetic to the level that I can't even accept the fact that I am actually blogging this. Man, I hate blogging. It exposes my vulnerability without limits. Argh! I really don't know what I have been doing for the past 2 years or so. I don't know what I have achieved. The last time I remember being ecstatically happy was, well, 2 years ago or so. The moment went away so quickly that I don't know what the hell had been happening since then. It's like I allowed my everything being washed away by the waves. Small waves which I could have avoided but didn't. I was reckless. I don't do regrets. But this time I don't know why I am feeling regret. It's like, you did your best in your assignment, and you did not get the credit you deserved. At all. Your lecturer is just so mean. I'd confront him if I were you.
There's just too much anger. The things I have kept for 2 years or so. It's all suddenly coming out of me, like I am remembering a lotta things now. Things which disappointed me and made me really sad and lonely. It's not how it was supposed to be. But that was the case. Funny huh. You gave your everything but it wasn't enough. The anger makes me stop being in denial. So that's good. It makes me realize the many things I deserve but did not get, for the past 2 years or so. It's more heartbreaking than any other situation that I have been in. It's so sad that it's hard to have tears anymore. That's just how sad it is for me. Now that's bad. I know deep inside of you, when you were younger, you wished that you will find someone who will love you enough. But what is enough anyways? What's enough for him might not be enough for you. It's so subjective.
What's sad is that you know that you have been making so many sacrifices, the little ignored ones too. Cos you told yourself that it's worth it. You told yourself that it's okay. It's okay even if he's not around that much. Why? Cos you keep waiting for him. You keep waiting and telling yourself that someday he'll come around and be that guy who swept you off your feet again. But he never did, after waiting for 2 years or so. That moment only lasted for a while. Only because it was convenient, and it happened at the right place and at the right time. That moment's gone 2 years ago. He still doesn't know what's important to you, after 2 years or so. What does that say? It says that you have been alone all this while and you know it. Denial was standing in your way. Congratulations.
2 years ago or so, he would do just about anything. He walked with you. Talked with you. Paid attention to you. All you needed to do was call, and he would be there. Sometimes you didn't even have to do anything and there he was. Efortless. It was all butterflies and happiness. Forty days later (okay, around that), you realized that he actually missed your birthday. On purpose. None of your boyfriends ever missed it. Then this person you love most did. How excruciatingly painful. Then the disappearances started. You changed your flight ticket home three times just so you can catch him in the same city. But that, of course, did not happen. He was not even there when your grandfather passed away, and you were living in the same city. Perfect. And you had only been with him for 7 months. *clap clap*. And you do realize that you always plan your schedule (life) around his schedule, don't you? Shoot yourself now. What the hell were you thinking all this while? All that, among many others, should be enough here. Then he puts up a wall in between. Perfect! Perfect way to get rid of 'complication'. Does that even matter anymore? It's like worrying about the icing of the cake when you can't even get the cake base right.
You are not important to him. He can certainly live without you. So hold back those tears that ain't worth falling.
Now, start living.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Death
This morning started off pretty alright. Drove to work as usual while singing in the car in the rain. Arrived work fifteen minutes late because I didn't speed. Did my best to keep myself busy so my boss wouldn't annoy me. I need a break. I feel like I might explode anytime. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and I wouldn't be surprised if I die young. These days I have lost my will to wake up, my patience, my belief system is failing, everything else you name it. All I feel like doing is sleep. I need a fucking break. I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking punch something or throw something really hard (Wow so much anger there). I want to scream "motherfuc$%er!!!" out loud. I want to get away from everything and be alone. Okay this is weird. I feel like I am talking to myself. Like my first post in this blog. Is it in or on this blog? Who cares. I need a self help book on how to manage your stupid boss without throwing him a punch in his face. I need a self help book to stop talking to myself like I'm doing now. I need a self help book that tells me how to hate everything without sounding so pathetic. I fucking hate everything. Except ice cream. No. I hate ice cream cos it makes me fat. Now I hate blogging cos it makes me sound pathetic.
The last time I felt this angry was when I was still in Sydney, July 07? It was easier then cos I get to splurge on unnecessary things, and just have a nice walk in the sunshine in the city or just have a random trip to the beach. And everything will be alright. Now I hate being here cos there's nothing I can do which can actually calm me down. Now I sound even more pathetic. Okay, this calls for a shopping spree tomorrow. Awesome!
Hate,
not dreaming anymore.
The last time I felt this angry was when I was still in Sydney, July 07? It was easier then cos I get to splurge on unnecessary things, and just have a nice walk in the sunshine in the city or just have a random trip to the beach. And everything will be alright. Now I hate being here cos there's nothing I can do which can actually calm me down. Now I sound even more pathetic. Okay, this calls for a shopping spree tomorrow. Awesome!
Hate,
not dreaming anymore.
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