Giving and Taking

Happiness comes when you expect nothing in return.

That's what my mom told me. It took me quite some time to accept that and learn to implement it. It's really hard. Slowly, I think I am getting there.

I think that sometimes it depends on the situation that you're in, that determines what sort of a person you tend to become. You would listen better if your teacher is more open and understanding. Isn't that the same case in any kind of relationship? I think there is a myth about, not giving your all because you're gonna end up getting hurt and taken advantage of. I have always believed that. I'm not sure if I still believe that, because it's quite selfish isn't it? If all of us hold on to that same belief, then everyone's just going to be self-centered and selfish. That's just plain ego. And isn't that against our religions? The religions have different terms, but have the same meaning, and that's the dysfunction of our mind.

I had an enormous size of ego. I refused to give my best because I felt that he's unworthy, in my previous relationship that is. But now. Now. I am learning to give and give, and try not to expect anything in return. It's hard and scary giving my best because I have never done it before until now. It's scary because I am scared of feeling unworthy if I'm not given nearly as much as I am giving. Nonetheless, giving your best in your relationship should apply to every relationship to make it work right? Or is it because giving your best expressed differently in different relationships in different ways? So, am I being given just as much as I am giving but don't know how to see it, or am I just kidding myself for giving my best? I'm as scared as hell.

All I can do now is giving and not expecting anything in return. Because not giving but expecting in return clearly didn't work out for me. I'm letting my guards down that I have never been so vulnerable in my life. But that's how it's supposed to be to make it work isn't it? Taking risks. Kinda fun. Kinda suicidal. May god bless me and I survive if I ever fall. I blame myself for being too in love. Bite me.

love, dreamer.