Al-fatihah

Hi,

After years of battling with his health, my grandfather has gone back to rahmatullah at 10.35am KL time on the 21st of April 2008.

Sometime 10 years ago, my parents told me that my grandfather has been diagnosed with the Alzheimer's disease, a side-effect we're all aware that he'd get after his operation. Along the years, his memory loss became more and more apparent. And at one point which I never noticed, he forgot the names of his grandchildren, and it went on. He only remembered the people who were always by his side, especially my grandmother and his children. I'm sad because I don't have a lot of memories about him. A picture which is always on my mind was a time when he stood by the door of his house with his golf bag in his red striped polo tshirt, waited for my uncles to go golfing. I remember we went to London together, and I stayed at the hotel with him most of the time playing with my doll while everyone went for their shopping spree (the time when I was into dolls, not shopping). We went to the States together too but I can't remember that. We went to Pulau Tuba where we stayed in a chalet by the waterfall which my uncle built, and Penang!

When he started getting really sick, he barely gets up on his feet. Then came the time when he had to start using a wheelchair. It became harder for him to walk to the kitchen table to have lunch or dinner with us. It was almost impossible for me to see him lying on his bed, looking absolutely frail and fragile. It was hard because he had been an active and strong man. Seeing him weak just made me sad throughout the years he was sick. He started forgetting my name, then forgot that I'm his granddaughter. That happened to everyone. He had been sick for many years and was in pain at the end. I am sad, because I've lost someone, who was the head of the Taib family. I'm also glad that he is now content and in a better place. I have been keeping his book which he passed to his daughter-in-law, my mom. It's the 1937 edition of "The Hobbit" by J.R.R Tolkien. How cool? I've never read it but it's sitting in my bookshelf in my room. It's very old.

I never had the chance to tell him that I love him. Tok Ayah, I love you.

love, the loving granddaughter.

Uncertainty kills

Hi,

I do this to myself all the time. Second guessing my actions and decisions. Unsure about what I should do. When I get the feeling that I should do something, I always manage to find reasons which would stop me from doing it. I don't know if that's just me being in denial to face reality, or me being fantastic for holding on to faith. Sometimes I believe in impossible things, I can't help it. Again, I don't know if that's being a believer, or a dreamer. Every decisions I make, every thoughts I allow to cross my mind, I'm always torn in between two different reasonings. You see, I'm trying to do the right thing as I've learned from my mistakes. I think I know what I should do for my own sake, but then what if that's the wrong thing to do? I don't think I have enough faith in myself to act on my own decisions. All I know is that I should hold on to what makes me happy. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Gosh so stop thinking already dammit! Bye.

love, dreamer.