Hi,
So I have discovered the good reasons behind the break up. The break up has finally allowed me to become an individual again, who I was and who I am and how I am supposed to be. I feel whole again, and I have never been any happier in life. I refuse to feel anything less than blessed, cos I am truly grateful with what I have now and what I have become. My mom told me that, when you are at your lowest point in life, there is only one way to get back up and that is by going back to your religion-where you're from. And so I did, and I am feeling all the happiness in the world that it is impossible for me to think that life sucks right now. This is truly the greatest gift I could ever get from a break up. Haha!
I think another important thing I have learned out of this whole thing is to be patient and have a lot of faith in God. I had a few friends who came to me and complained how their life suck and unfair. I used to feel that way about my life at times (who doesn't?), self pity I'd say. But I think that life is much bigger than that, and how could I feel so happy about life right now when my ex is trying to rub shit on my face, being dramatic about his new life and all? Because I have all the wonderful people around me, and that 1 unworthy person could never affect my life. That's how. We are the master of our own minds, therefore we control our own emotions. We only feel that life is unfair because we let ourselves feel that way, right? Am I making sense? I am feeling fever-ish out of a sudden. Okay, random! To conclude, I have found every good reasons about the break up. And I am very lucky, blessed and grateful. Life is colourful, and wonderful. So why fret on petty little things?
Love, dreamer.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
The end followed by a new beginning.
Hi,
So I don't think it is necessary for me to go through everything from the beginning. Bottom line is that the person I thought I could really trust got a new partner 2 days after we ended our relationship. Hahaha. Yea, I always thought that there are certain things which should not happen to me, but they actually did happen. Like the car accident, when I least expected it. I'm only human who deserves to get angry but at the same time I have realized that things happen for the best reasons although I might not have discovered most of it yet. I had been in my comfort zone where I was also very protected and obligated in certain things. Like what my rainbow heart sister said, I was in a golden cage where everything was provided, but I couldn't do more than what was allowed.
I consider myself very lucky, to have a strong support system and to be out of a 3 year relationship by getting cheated on. It's so much easier to get over it but also the most painful as I had trusted and gave my heart to this person. After almost 3 weeks being single, I realized what I have been missing out in experiencing life before marriage. It also made me a stronger and bigger person, because I gave him a second chance when I had totally lost my feelings for him when he betrayed me one year ago. I was and still am capable of lowering down my ego to allow miracles to seem possible. I don't believe that people who couldn't respect me deserve the best of me. Therefore, I am very glad it is over. I have always believed that when you really want something so badly but it doesn't go your way, something much better than what you expect will come along. :)
Love, dreamer.
So I don't think it is necessary for me to go through everything from the beginning. Bottom line is that the person I thought I could really trust got a new partner 2 days after we ended our relationship. Hahaha. Yea, I always thought that there are certain things which should not happen to me, but they actually did happen. Like the car accident, when I least expected it. I'm only human who deserves to get angry but at the same time I have realized that things happen for the best reasons although I might not have discovered most of it yet. I had been in my comfort zone where I was also very protected and obligated in certain things. Like what my rainbow heart sister said, I was in a golden cage where everything was provided, but I couldn't do more than what was allowed.
I consider myself very lucky, to have a strong support system and to be out of a 3 year relationship by getting cheated on. It's so much easier to get over it but also the most painful as I had trusted and gave my heart to this person. After almost 3 weeks being single, I realized what I have been missing out in experiencing life before marriage. It also made me a stronger and bigger person, because I gave him a second chance when I had totally lost my feelings for him when he betrayed me one year ago. I was and still am capable of lowering down my ego to allow miracles to seem possible. I don't believe that people who couldn't respect me deserve the best of me. Therefore, I am very glad it is over. I have always believed that when you really want something so badly but it doesn't go your way, something much better than what you expect will come along. :)
Love, dreamer.
Monday, May 14, 2007
sitting, waiting, wishing
I love Jack Johnson. Too bad I can't go to Live Earth on 7th July.
So I'm not really depressed anymore, the feelings are fading. Thank god. But here I am, again. Who would have thought I'd be communicating with myself? So yea, my last bit of depression would be the 'sitting, wishing, hoping' part, despite the fact that yesterday was a good day. Submitted the arse-hard DOHA essay, and I passed my quiz for Economics of Money and Finance (thank god), watched Georgia Rule..a good one cos it made me cry in the end.
My sister in law told me, relationships are complicated. It's not just about loving each other. It's about being compatible. Somehow I never actually felt that way before with pea, maybe I tried to think we're compatible, but as time goes by I feel that we're getting further than compatible. Everything seems impossible now, I have tried really hard. We have tried to make it work since in the beginning of our relationship. Yet, I can't see myself in the future with pea. I hate to feel this way but my gut feeling keeps telling me that. I'll just be more positive and hold on tighter, and see how long more this can carry on.
love, dreamer.
So I'm not really depressed anymore, the feelings are fading. Thank god. But here I am, again. Who would have thought I'd be communicating with myself? So yea, my last bit of depression would be the 'sitting, wishing, hoping' part, despite the fact that yesterday was a good day. Submitted the arse-hard DOHA essay, and I passed my quiz for Economics of Money and Finance (thank god), watched Georgia Rule..a good one cos it made me cry in the end.
My sister in law told me, relationships are complicated. It's not just about loving each other. It's about being compatible. Somehow I never actually felt that way before with pea, maybe I tried to think we're compatible, but as time goes by I feel that we're getting further than compatible. Everything seems impossible now, I have tried really hard. We have tried to make it work since in the beginning of our relationship. Yet, I can't see myself in the future with pea. I hate to feel this way but my gut feeling keeps telling me that. I'll just be more positive and hold on tighter, and see how long more this can carry on.
love, dreamer.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Cameron Diaz
Hi blog,
so it seems like i'll be stuck with you til my depression goes away.bear with me for a couple of days till my pms is gone,alright?i'm so so so sick of this.ohh guess what time i slept?8AM,yup yup.
i've been fucking depressed for a week.maybe it's the workload.nah.more like i think that my future has been planned out,and it's certain,and i really hate it.not career,na-uh.career wise i'd be really happy if everything has been planned out til the next 10 years.more like i don't think that i am experiencing my young life enough and i'm already stuck,er,committed with someone else.and i think i'm being pressured by the whole "we're getting married" thing by everyone around me.sick of it.gosh why the fuck is this happening.i feel like i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing.i haven't done the things i wanna do,i haven't experienced the things i wanna experience,and oh guess what?i'm stuck with someone and so i can't do the things i want.so this brings me to Cameron Diaz,a hot SALTY (single woman after a long term relationship).Morrissey,one of Australia's top designers said "Salties get the chance to spend their youth making the most of new experiences".while everyone around me is sick of being single,me on the other hand hate being committed too fast.it's making me depressed.
I have always admired Cameron Diaz.She is strong,hot,not young but still makes the most of her life.i'm only 20 and my whole future has been planned out.and people have expectations from me,namely pea's fam.
so,blog,that's why i've created you.cos i can only express my insane depression to something or someone who doesn't know my circle of friends or boyfriend.please don't talk to me back,i'd freak out.i think this is insane.
love, dreamer.
so it seems like i'll be stuck with you til my depression goes away.bear with me for a couple of days till my pms is gone,alright?i'm so so so sick of this.ohh guess what time i slept?8AM,yup yup.
i've been fucking depressed for a week.maybe it's the workload.nah.more like i think that my future has been planned out,and it's certain,and i really hate it.not career,na-uh.career wise i'd be really happy if everything has been planned out til the next 10 years.more like i don't think that i am experiencing my young life enough and i'm already stuck,er,committed with someone else.and i think i'm being pressured by the whole "we're getting married" thing by everyone around me.sick of it.gosh why the fuck is this happening.i feel like i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing.i haven't done the things i wanna do,i haven't experienced the things i wanna experience,and oh guess what?i'm stuck with someone and so i can't do the things i want.so this brings me to Cameron Diaz,a hot SALTY (single woman after a long term relationship).Morrissey,one of Australia's top designers said "Salties get the chance to spend their youth making the most of new experiences".while everyone around me is sick of being single,me on the other hand hate being committed too fast.it's making me depressed.
I have always admired Cameron Diaz.She is strong,hot,not young but still makes the most of her life.i'm only 20 and my whole future has been planned out.and people have expectations from me,namely pea's fam.
so,blog,that's why i've created you.cos i can only express my insane depression to something or someone who doesn't know my circle of friends or boyfriend.please don't talk to me back,i'd freak out.i think this is insane.
love, dreamer.
unbelievably idiotic.
7.08am.
still awake.wide awake.welcome to existence blog.this is unbelievably idiotic that i am blogging while i can't sleep.took me 3 hours to try.i'd rather be up and do something productive.right,this is a big relieve,pfft.the last time i can't sleep was a year ago.took me 4 hours.i had to force cry myself so that i can sleep.i'm not coming home late again.bad bad bad.i'm friggin' tired but i'm not sleepy.perfect.please,please sleep,i'm begging myself!hope this will be my last time blogging here.fucking hell.
i can't sleep cos i can't stop thinking cos my brain is still functioning and hectic.i've been depressed lately.probably pms.i dunno.hope so.talked to myself while i was trying to sleep.blogging is a better way of talking to yourself,less weird.i'm so hating this.i need to study.but my body is friggin' tired like hell.
i think i can't sleep cos i'm depressed,stressed,hungry & thirsty.too lazy to eat or drink before i go to bed at 4 sumthin.hah,now i'm facing the consequences of being lazy.omg i don't talk to myself.this can't be happening.
still awake.wide awake.welcome to existence blog.this is unbelievably idiotic that i am blogging while i can't sleep.took me 3 hours to try.i'd rather be up and do something productive.right,this is a big relieve,pfft.the last time i can't sleep was a year ago.took me 4 hours.i had to force cry myself so that i can sleep.i'm not coming home late again.bad bad bad.i'm friggin' tired but i'm not sleepy.perfect.please,please sleep,i'm begging myself!hope this will be my last time blogging here.fucking hell.
i can't sleep cos i can't stop thinking cos my brain is still functioning and hectic.i've been depressed lately.probably pms.i dunno.hope so.talked to myself while i was trying to sleep.blogging is a better way of talking to yourself,less weird.i'm so hating this.i need to study.but my body is friggin' tired like hell.
i think i can't sleep cos i'm depressed,stressed,hungry & thirsty.too lazy to eat or drink before i go to bed at 4 sumthin.hah,now i'm facing the consequences of being lazy.omg i don't talk to myself.this can't be happening.
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