Eighteen Months.

Since the last time i blogged. I don't read blogs (I have short attention span) and i certainly don't like to ramble much.

It seems like my old posts were all emotional baahahahaha! Oh well if you don't like it, proceed to "close tab" or "close window", whichever.

.

sad. broken. a million little pieces. want to bang something and break something. want time to fly..really fly so i can get past all this quickly. it's so cruel. it's so stupid. it's so everything.

all i wanna do is cry.

That thing. The feeling.

It's something that is killing you inside so very silently. What is that?
It's crushing you. What is that? It's weird and hard to describe.
All you know is you want to cry, but you're not. It's like a gravity inside of you, bringing you down with force.
It's weird. Don't know what it is.
Good night.

Burnt Toast, again.

This is what that happens when you are stubborn.

You know from the beginning but yet you told yourself that it's worth risking. You gave away and exposed every tiny bit of the hopes and faith you rebuilt. Every confidence and self-esteem. Your strong belief in miracles. Every strength. You rebuilt. It was your own hard work which you had to recover and heal. You gave it away in the form of vulnerability the moment you were swept off your feet. Idiot. Which idiot would let that happen? Me.

This is so pathetic to the level that I can't even accept the fact that I am actually blogging this. Man, I hate blogging. It exposes my vulnerability without limits. Argh! I really don't know what I have been doing for the past 2 years or so. I don't know what I have achieved. The last time I remember being ecstatically happy was, well, 2 years ago or so. The moment went away so quickly that I don't know what the hell had been happening since then. It's like I allowed my everything being washed away by the waves. Small waves which I could have avoided but didn't. I was reckless. I don't do regrets. But this time I don't know why I am feeling regret. It's like, you did your best in your assignment, and you did not get the credit you deserved. At all. Your lecturer is just so mean. I'd confront him if I were you.

There's just too much anger. The things I have kept for 2 years or so. It's all suddenly coming out of me, like I am remembering a lotta things now. Things which disappointed me and made me really sad and lonely. It's not how it was supposed to be. But that was the case. Funny huh. You gave your everything but it wasn't enough. The anger makes me stop being in denial. So that's good. It makes me realize the many things I deserve but did not get, for the past 2 years or so. It's more heartbreaking than any other situation that I have been in. It's so sad that it's hard to have tears anymore. That's just how sad it is for me. Now that's bad. I know deep inside of you, when you were younger, you wished that you will find someone who will love you enough. But what is enough anyways? What's enough for him might not be enough for you. It's so subjective.

What's sad is that you know that you have been making so many sacrifices, the little ignored ones too. Cos you told yourself that it's worth it. You told yourself that it's okay. It's okay even if he's not around that much. Why? Cos you keep waiting for him. You keep waiting and telling yourself that someday he'll come around and be that guy who swept you off your feet again. But he never did, after waiting for 2 years or so. That moment only lasted for a while. Only because it was convenient, and it happened at the right place and at the right time. That moment's gone 2 years ago. He still doesn't know what's important to you, after 2 years or so. What does that say? It says that you have been alone all this while and you know it. Denial was standing in your way. Congratulations.

2 years ago or so, he would do just about anything. He walked with you. Talked with you. Paid attention to you. All you needed to do was call, and he would be there. Sometimes you didn't even have to do anything and there he was. Efortless. It was all butterflies and happiness. Forty days later (okay, around that), you realized that he actually missed your birthday. On purpose. None of your boyfriends ever missed it. Then this person you love most did. How excruciatingly painful. Then the disappearances started. You changed your flight ticket home three times just so you can catch him in the same city. But that, of course, did not happen. He was not even there when your grandfather passed away, and you were living in the same city. Perfect. And you had only been with him for 7 months. *clap clap*. And you do realize that you always plan your schedule (life) around his schedule, don't you? Shoot yourself now. What the hell were you thinking all this while? All that, among many others, should be enough here. Then he puts up a wall in between. Perfect! Perfect way to get rid of 'complication'. Does that even matter anymore? It's like worrying about the icing of the cake when you can't even get the cake base right.

You are not important to him. He can certainly live without you. So hold back those tears that ain't worth falling.

Now, start living.

Death

This morning started off pretty alright. Drove to work as usual while singing in the car in the rain. Arrived work fifteen minutes late because I didn't speed. Did my best to keep myself busy so my boss wouldn't annoy me. I need a break. I feel like I might explode anytime. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising and I wouldn't be surprised if I die young. These days I have lost my will to wake up, my patience, my belief system is failing, everything else you name it. All I feel like doing is sleep. I need a fucking break. I need to fucking scream. I need to fucking punch something or throw something really hard (Wow so much anger there). I want to scream "motherfuc$%er!!!" out loud. I want to get away from everything and be alone. Okay this is weird. I feel like I am talking to myself. Like my first post in this blog. Is it in or on this blog? Who cares. I need a self help book on how to manage your stupid boss without throwing him a punch in his face. I need a self help book to stop talking to myself like I'm doing now. I need a self help book that tells me how to hate everything without sounding so pathetic. I fucking hate everything. Except ice cream. No. I hate ice cream cos it makes me fat. Now I hate blogging cos it makes me sound pathetic.

The last time I felt this angry was when I was still in Sydney, July 07? It was easier then cos I get to splurge on unnecessary things, and just have a nice walk in the sunshine in the city or just have a random trip to the beach. And everything will be alright. Now I hate being here cos there's nothing I can do which can actually calm me down. Now I sound even more pathetic. Okay, this calls for a shopping spree tomorrow. Awesome!

Hate,
not dreaming anymore.

Piped

19 days ago at this hour, the night before my first day, I was tossing and turning on my bed, feeling anxious about what to expect on the days to come. Having only four hours of sleep, I kept myself energetic throughout my first day of the nineteen days PIPE. I expected a crowd of less than fifty. But it turned out to be one of the largest group of pipe which amounted to 106 new execs. Bilik Melati of Equatorial Hotel Bangi was filled with people from various backgrounds exchanging hellos and which OPU they are attached to. At that point I wasn't aware that I'd be meeting new friends who would then become part of a close-knitted group of energetic kids.

The past three weeks had taught me many lessons and guided me through to where I am now. Learning the various backgrounds of these people taught me to focus on what I already have instead of what I want. Again, don't judge a book by its cover. People always surprise you. We have become so close, thanks to the non stop sessions of 8.30am-10.30pm everyday (and weekends) with only meal and prayer breaks. The sessions were focused on building our networking, bonding with each other, leadership capabilities and setting the right mindset which aligns with the company's corporate values. Our fascilitators had successfully accomplish the mission of the induction programme. It was the most tiring nineteen days of my life but I had the most fun for as far as I could remember. I am no longer unsure about the decision I made to join the only company owned by this country to have been listed in the Fortune Global 500. I am no longer unsure about working in this country. I wake up knowing there's a purpose. I look forward to it every morning.

I am so glad that I have successfully challenged myself to get out of my comfort zone by braving myself to talk to everyone, especially those who appear unapproachable, shy, alone, upset, etc. Like they say, challenge the status-quo. One which I have yet to overcome is not being able to work with a negative/reactive leader. I simple can't stand negativity and I would usually just walk away. I have also realized the reality of life. In one way or another I had found my way of understanding things better and discovering what I want in my life.

Life As We Know It

When I was 19, I couldn't wait to turn 20. Now the thought of turning another year older is just depressing. And that's only going to happen 11.5 months from now. Haha!

While driving back home, I received an sms from my ex colleague, asking me what would be my ideal Saturday night (It's Sat night now). Such a random question. I answered that it would be a nice walk at the harbour and then make out after that, if it's my boyfriend I'm having the nice walk with. Otherwise, a movie night in with good snacks under my comfy blanket. He said that his would be a good road trip. I asked why isn't he on that road trip then. Well, it's his birthday tomorrow (today). His new resolution? To understand what life means. And he said that I have someone, so I am on the right track (See how people judge like you have it all but you don't). He said he needs to understand himself better so that other people would understand him. We agreed that we're sad people talking about life on a Saturday night.

I hate horror movies. It doesn't make sense that people actually pay, to scare the shit out of themselves. On the other hand, I think I am scaring myself. I feel like I am sinking deeper into it, thus I take things more seriously. And it's freaking me out. AAAAAHHHHH!!! Scared. Shit. Okay, act cool. Thanks.

I so love James Morrison's You Make it Real.
And sweet relish in my hotdog.

Deprived of a deep sleep.

An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love

This is a love letter by Richard Carlson for his wife on their 18th anniversary. He died from some disease after that. He didn't know when he was gonna die during the time he wrote that letter. In that letter; If you have an hour to live, who would you call? What would you say? And why are you waiting? He wrote in that letter that he is not dying, just inspired by their love and beauty of life. I think that that's the best gift anyone could ever be given. It sounds like a fairy tale. Maybe a little too corny.

We know we're going to die someday. Living each day like you have no tomorrow encourages you to live on the edge and not take things for granted. Doesn't our religion teach us that? Carlson said in his letter that if he had an hour to live, he wouldn't check his emails , voicemail or his Palm Pilot because the world wouldn't come to an end if he didn't get to all these things. He wouldn't call anyone who owed him money, or wronged him in any way during his lifetime. He wouldn't call his lawyer who handles his stuff when he's gone cos who cares anyway. He said:

"No, if I had an hour to live and I could only make one call, it would be to my life partner, Kris."

And I cried my eyes out when Kris Carlson read that part of the letter on Oprah (yea yea yea of course). I don't think I have ever seen any couple more in love than they are. From the letter he wrote to her and from they way she speaks of him on the show. Wonder if I would ever have a man to love me that way. At least I know now that kind of love doesn't only exist in fairy tales. Why do people ever stop writing love letters these days?

Dreaming too much.

By Your Side

2.54am.

Still awake. I'm hungry. My body is aching. And I am blogging. Right now I would really like to have my Sara Lee's honeycomb and butterscotch ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce. Pleasure. My sinful pleasure.

It's true what they say. We always look at other people who appear to have better things, better pay, better boyfriend/girlfriend, better car, etc and we judge them as having it all and nothing to worry about. Well the good news is that everyone has shitty things on their minds to think about and not everything is nice and dandy. Life is certainly not easy. Coping with it comes with falling and rising back up again (am i making sense?). To be honest, sometimes when I watch Beyonce or whoever on tv, I secretly wish that I could sing as good. Then I could sing my worries away (HAHAHA!) and have lots of money by using my talent which comes free. Haha I'm so funny. Pfft.

On the other hand, it breaks my heart seeing anyone who is less fortunate than I am, struggling to make the best out of his/her life. And here we are, taking everything for granted. It would be nice to know that someday everyone would be given the same opportunities. Especially in education. That's the stepping stone which would lead us to different paths of life. There shouldn't be a barrier to education.

I feel like I'm in a dark place lately. I need new curtains.

love, dreamer.

Lost & Found

Quoting Meredith Grey, "We're not happy and glowy".
Quoting Betty Suarez, "Sometimes when someone wants something so badly, they forget who's involved. They forget what matters the most".

All I wanna do now is lay on the white sands under the sun at Bondi Beach until there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a career in beach-bumming.

In Good Company

A string of thoughts came into mind while driving back from the gym today. It started with realizing how much I look forward to tomorrow (today). I get to meet up with my colleagues again, since our last meeting last Friday.

Before over a year ago I think I spent most of my uni life being tied down to a commitment I didn't wish to be in. Then came an old acquaintance on one cold autumn night. I think that I was drawn to him because he was the only part in my life that people around me don't know much about that time. It felt like it's the only place I can have a little freedom in without the other person being nosy. The only place I feel comfortable venting, just about anything. That makes him one of the closest person. Some things in my life were made clearer. The only one I give the privilege to to be honest about what he thinks, as judgmental as one could be. I think the fact that we both take honesty very seriously is the reason that made me feel comfortable. As busy as he was running his life, I relied on him so much at the time I burnt a toast (haha), he managed to be there all the time to talk and listen and judge. I miss that. I think that's a true friend and everyone else would agree.

I used to hate she who turned out to be one of the people who sees right through me when I myself couldn't understand. As much as I don't like hearing the truth from her at times, it always turns out to be right. She has so much strength in herself to have the ability to hide her darkest emotions. I have always tried to do that but I always fail. A big chunk of strength I learnt to pick up the pieces was from her. I don't feel the need to hide the crazy, sometimes unacceptable behaviour from her because of her understanding. There's always something that I want to share and she'd always laugh and cry with me for that.

I grew up with another friend who still remains close to me until today. My childhood friend who knows me and my past too well. To this date, I can't recall a time which she gave negative remarks about myself to me. She is always supportive in everything. Everything. She doesn't judge. Always cheering from behind. Always understood. I know that I can get a good laugh with her when I need one without fail.

I miss having late night talks, long life conversations, sharing random thoughts. I enjoy good company. A place we can talk, share, laugh, cry and be honest about each other. It feels like it doesn't come around as much anymore. And that could make one feel like shutting down. This is the string of thoughts which made me realize that these days my colleagues are my only good company when everyone else is too busy. Now that the 21 of us are separated and assigned to different locations for 2 months, it feels like "argh!". So, even a little thing like having lunch with colleagues tomorrow can make me feel excited.
Looking down the building, I can only see an empty road. Safety net nowhere to be found. Let's wish there's a first aid kit down there.

love, dreamer.

One year

I think that people should equate the speed of time with the speed of light. So much has happened since the past one year. God knows how many ups and downs, how many smiles and tears, how many attempts of running away, how many sleepless nights. I think all of us have gone through too much since the past one year. So many things have changed. People hooking up and breaking up. Newborns, weddings and funerals. I always wish that Doraemon actually exists, maybe in a different less weird form. Then we can go back in time to when we're truly happy, and go through it again cause that moment doesn't come knocking on our doors all the time.

I find it amazing how in one year we have learned so much, at the same time we still don't know enough. Time passes by so quickly and in a blink of an eye, I'll be a year older. Have I achieved everything I'd set out to achieve in a year? Not even close. But the one or two things which turned into reality are the major ones. At least I'm not a liability to my parents anymore. At least I know that I can love someone this much. At least I know what my passion is. At least I realized how much I depend on my closest friends for support.

It has been a great unexpected one year. Unexpected. Wonderfully imperfect. Amazingly perfect.
At least I know that I am the best side of myself in this, which I never knew existed.
I love you more than I myself know.
(Not that he reads this, but yea).

F*** corny sial.

love, dreamer.

Put Into Words

Yesterday while chatting with some colleagues, we talked about our 'gifts'. One of them could hypnotize, the other one could read people's behavior. They're interesting people I can tell you that. So I asked him, what he thinks of me. He paused for a while and his mind wandered off which took him longer than it should to answer my question. He said I have a contradicting personality and I have unresolved issues. I gave him a sarcastic smile but told him that I kinda agree with him.

It's ironic how I'd always known that fact but could never quite explain them in the right words. Contradicting. Unresolved issues. They're so simple yet it took me long enough to find out. But haha, no they don't apply to every situation in my life. But yea I do contradict myself at times (you do too okay). Maybe it's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know what would be right. Then again, my dear wise friend told me, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". From then on I try to remember that and choose to be happy, when decisions to be made confuse me.

I'm getting myself too attached that I am scaring myself by that fact. Haha! What a joke. Nothing lasts forever. So why do we put so much energy into something we fancy, which gets us too attached, and when it's time to let go we break ourselves. So what's the point? But then we still do it cos we know we will be happy in getting what we want. Why should anything else matters when you're happy? (An illustration of me contradicting myself).

I want to save the environment by helping to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released. But I can't sleep without the air-cond turned on. Yup. The boyfriend pointed this out to me. Great, I can never save the world now, can I? Pfft.

love, dreamer.

Redefining

What I love about my work is that we get paid for learning and socialising. It's ironic how this job reminds me how much I hate tests. Pfft. But everyday I look forward to new things which I will learn, and the silly talks with my colleagues which never fail to make me laugh my ass off. I guess that in general we humans don't like a new environment and resent changes. Until tonight, I never realize that I like the new environment I am in mostly because of the sense of acknowledgement we share. We still barely know each other that well and we make many kind of presumptions towards each other. It's fun. We think that we're as smart as hell (thus why we're the chosen ones) but I know that my academic performance is nowhere near their level. At the same time I discovered my other potentials which I never knew ever existed. So, acknowledgement. Score! Really, I don't believe that I would get the same kind of acknowledgement from people who'd been in my life longer. I guess that it's kind of a redefining moment for me. Going to work is a motivation (surprise, surprise) especially when the feeling of being a failure overpowers everything else. Outside work I think I am a failure as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a bestfriend, as a partner, you name it. Only sometimes ey. I think being in a new environment gives you another chance for a first impression, which sinfully makes me feel good. I can't remember the last time someone thinks that I'm an interesting person to talk to, that I am a nice person, that I am reliable, that I am a leader, that I am a good listener, that I am funny (wth?). All of those were said, which I never thought of as myself. Like the saying goes, who you really are is a mirror of how others see you. Sometimes I feel like disappearing.

Then on the other hand, how do you cope with the feeling of being a failure? It's such a subjective topic that no one would have an accurate measure of it.

love, dreamer.

Time Behind Closed Doors

When we were seven, we talked about the newest Barbie dolls and action hero figures. When we were twelve, we talked about girl/boy bands and what's cool. When we were fourteen we talked about other people's business, like who's the bitch in school and who likes who. When we were seventeen we talked about our final exam and who broke up with who. In college we talked about our future careers and which club to go next. We talk about different things as we grow through time.

Three weeks have passed since I started a new phase of life. 9 hours a day with people who are equally competent in their own strengths. Being the youngest among the 21 smart asses, somehow it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't take life too seriously. I don't put as much pressure in any aspect of my life, or at least I try. They come from various backgrounds with different life experiences. Yet, one thing they have in common is direction in life. Now I know why our employer has high expectations on us being the future leaders. These people think ahead. Thanks for the pep talks, good friends (as they'd like to be regarded). It's funny how a conversation about my short trip to Australia led to being asked "So where is your relationship heading to? Why waste time?". Wow. Did I mention that half of them are about to settle down? 9 hours a day, and 95% of the time they talk about relationships. I don't know why, they just do.

The answer is simple. I just don't wanna give up. Is that wrong?

love, dreamer.

In Between Dreams

Okay so here's something honest.
I used to think that blogging is stupid and it's for people who don't have a life of their own.
I'm sorry but I have to be honest about what I used to think.
Until, well, until I felt like I needed a place where nobody knows me and where I can spill shits to. Which was May 2007.

That was just an introduction which has nothing to do with this post. Sorry. So I got inspired to write this post when I felt a pinch in my stomach yesterday. I can still feel it at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck in between two options, and both seem so vague to you. You don't know what the future holds for both options and you could only keep your eyes closed and take the risk of walking in the thick fog. What's worse is when your heart tells you something but you choose to be optimistic. Now now, optimistic or idealistic? I'd say idealistic. And we're supposed to be realistic. To me, if I were to be realistic it would mean giving up on a chance being given to me, and not being patient enough (rule out your friends' experiences in the same case). Being idealistic, is of course, being a little bit too dreamy and a little bit too optimistic. You know what your head is telling you. You know that no matter how vague the picture in your mind is, being idealistic will not bring you to where you want to be.

So I'm conflicting with these two vague options. You want a sweet apple but you know you're only getting the sour orange (wtf?). Your heart isn't leaning towards any one of it more than it does on the other. You're just stuck in the middle, with extra weight in your heart whichever path you choose.

Fuck reality.

love, dreamer.

A Sack of Candies

Life is like a box of chocolates is totally overrated.

For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.

I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.

love, dreamer.

Comfort

Somehow we as human beings always find something to comfort our instable emotions. Be it food, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, the beach, or just anything which would help us feel better. I turn to f.r.i.e.n.d.s. Watching it over and over again never fail to cheer me up a lil'. It doesn't help solve my confusions, it doesn't help giving me directions which I need in life, it doesn't tell me what to do, it doesn't ask me anything. Yes, at times I turn to food for comfort. Emotional eater as some would say. But most of the time it doesn't comfort me at all, and instead makes me kill myself at the gym. Seriously, 1.5hrs of cardio and an hour session of yoga kills me enough. Comfort food only destroy the efforts I made. The chocolate coated digestives biscuit is 85 calories each. That's like, 12 minutes on the treadmill? Let's be honest. I don't eat only one biscuit at a time. At least four. You do the math. Okay that's not my point.

My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.

No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.

Let's get stoned! Woohoo!

love, dreamer.

Economics of Love

Thank you for sharing this with me, dear rainbow heart sister.

"In general, and with rare exceptions, the returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship."

"You need expectations that match reality before you can make some progress. There may be exceptions, but they are rare."

Adapted from: NYTimes.com, Ben Stein, Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics, 13th July 2008.

Risk? Check! Expectations? Check! Returns? Check! Investment? Check! Losses? Check! Economic/Relationship Cycle? Check! Realistic measures? TBA!

My EL = Very high risk investment with an ultramicroscopic size of possible long term gains.

Sell off this investment and buy a lower risk investment instead? Off the table :)

love, dreamer.

Wanted

After dropping him off at his apartment in the evening, I was emosi-ing in the car because I don't know when would be the next time I see him. Then at night I went cuckoo while on the way to watch Wanted with the newlyweds because I was missing him so much. Like a little girl who couldn't get that most sought after Barbie, I was "Naaaaakkkkk Jooooonnnnnnnnnnnn". Bodoh, memalukan.

I miss him. Like mad.

love, dreamer.