Put Into Words

Yesterday while chatting with some colleagues, we talked about our 'gifts'. One of them could hypnotize, the other one could read people's behavior. They're interesting people I can tell you that. So I asked him, what he thinks of me. He paused for a while and his mind wandered off which took him longer than it should to answer my question. He said I have a contradicting personality and I have unresolved issues. I gave him a sarcastic smile but told him that I kinda agree with him.

It's ironic how I'd always known that fact but could never quite explain them in the right words. Contradicting. Unresolved issues. They're so simple yet it took me long enough to find out. But haha, no they don't apply to every situation in my life. But yea I do contradict myself at times (you do too okay). Maybe it's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know what would be right. Then again, my dear wise friend told me, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". From then on I try to remember that and choose to be happy, when decisions to be made confuse me.

I'm getting myself too attached that I am scaring myself by that fact. Haha! What a joke. Nothing lasts forever. So why do we put so much energy into something we fancy, which gets us too attached, and when it's time to let go we break ourselves. So what's the point? But then we still do it cos we know we will be happy in getting what we want. Why should anything else matters when you're happy? (An illustration of me contradicting myself).

I want to save the environment by helping to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released. But I can't sleep without the air-cond turned on. Yup. The boyfriend pointed this out to me. Great, I can never save the world now, can I? Pfft.

love, dreamer.

Redefining

What I love about my work is that we get paid for learning and socialising. It's ironic how this job reminds me how much I hate tests. Pfft. But everyday I look forward to new things which I will learn, and the silly talks with my colleagues which never fail to make me laugh my ass off. I guess that in general we humans don't like a new environment and resent changes. Until tonight, I never realize that I like the new environment I am in mostly because of the sense of acknowledgement we share. We still barely know each other that well and we make many kind of presumptions towards each other. It's fun. We think that we're as smart as hell (thus why we're the chosen ones) but I know that my academic performance is nowhere near their level. At the same time I discovered my other potentials which I never knew ever existed. So, acknowledgement. Score! Really, I don't believe that I would get the same kind of acknowledgement from people who'd been in my life longer. I guess that it's kind of a redefining moment for me. Going to work is a motivation (surprise, surprise) especially when the feeling of being a failure overpowers everything else. Outside work I think I am a failure as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a bestfriend, as a partner, you name it. Only sometimes ey. I think being in a new environment gives you another chance for a first impression, which sinfully makes me feel good. I can't remember the last time someone thinks that I'm an interesting person to talk to, that I am a nice person, that I am reliable, that I am a leader, that I am a good listener, that I am funny (wth?). All of those were said, which I never thought of as myself. Like the saying goes, who you really are is a mirror of how others see you. Sometimes I feel like disappearing.

Then on the other hand, how do you cope with the feeling of being a failure? It's such a subjective topic that no one would have an accurate measure of it.

love, dreamer.

Time Behind Closed Doors

When we were seven, we talked about the newest Barbie dolls and action hero figures. When we were twelve, we talked about girl/boy bands and what's cool. When we were fourteen we talked about other people's business, like who's the bitch in school and who likes who. When we were seventeen we talked about our final exam and who broke up with who. In college we talked about our future careers and which club to go next. We talk about different things as we grow through time.

Three weeks have passed since I started a new phase of life. 9 hours a day with people who are equally competent in their own strengths. Being the youngest among the 21 smart asses, somehow it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't take life too seriously. I don't put as much pressure in any aspect of my life, or at least I try. They come from various backgrounds with different life experiences. Yet, one thing they have in common is direction in life. Now I know why our employer has high expectations on us being the future leaders. These people think ahead. Thanks for the pep talks, good friends (as they'd like to be regarded). It's funny how a conversation about my short trip to Australia led to being asked "So where is your relationship heading to? Why waste time?". Wow. Did I mention that half of them are about to settle down? 9 hours a day, and 95% of the time they talk about relationships. I don't know why, they just do.

The answer is simple. I just don't wanna give up. Is that wrong?

love, dreamer.

In Between Dreams

Okay so here's something honest.
I used to think that blogging is stupid and it's for people who don't have a life of their own.
I'm sorry but I have to be honest about what I used to think.
Until, well, until I felt like I needed a place where nobody knows me and where I can spill shits to. Which was May 2007.

That was just an introduction which has nothing to do with this post. Sorry. So I got inspired to write this post when I felt a pinch in my stomach yesterday. I can still feel it at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck in between two options, and both seem so vague to you. You don't know what the future holds for both options and you could only keep your eyes closed and take the risk of walking in the thick fog. What's worse is when your heart tells you something but you choose to be optimistic. Now now, optimistic or idealistic? I'd say idealistic. And we're supposed to be realistic. To me, if I were to be realistic it would mean giving up on a chance being given to me, and not being patient enough (rule out your friends' experiences in the same case). Being idealistic, is of course, being a little bit too dreamy and a little bit too optimistic. You know what your head is telling you. You know that no matter how vague the picture in your mind is, being idealistic will not bring you to where you want to be.

So I'm conflicting with these two vague options. You want a sweet apple but you know you're only getting the sour orange (wtf?). Your heart isn't leaning towards any one of it more than it does on the other. You're just stuck in the middle, with extra weight in your heart whichever path you choose.

Fuck reality.

love, dreamer.

A Sack of Candies

Life is like a box of chocolates is totally overrated.

For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.

I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.

love, dreamer.

Comfort

Somehow we as human beings always find something to comfort our instable emotions. Be it food, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, the beach, or just anything which would help us feel better. I turn to f.r.i.e.n.d.s. Watching it over and over again never fail to cheer me up a lil'. It doesn't help solve my confusions, it doesn't help giving me directions which I need in life, it doesn't tell me what to do, it doesn't ask me anything. Yes, at times I turn to food for comfort. Emotional eater as some would say. But most of the time it doesn't comfort me at all, and instead makes me kill myself at the gym. Seriously, 1.5hrs of cardio and an hour session of yoga kills me enough. Comfort food only destroy the efforts I made. The chocolate coated digestives biscuit is 85 calories each. That's like, 12 minutes on the treadmill? Let's be honest. I don't eat only one biscuit at a time. At least four. You do the math. Okay that's not my point.

My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.

No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.

Let's get stoned! Woohoo!

love, dreamer.

Economics of Love

Thank you for sharing this with me, dear rainbow heart sister.

"In general, and with rare exceptions, the returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship."

"You need expectations that match reality before you can make some progress. There may be exceptions, but they are rare."

Adapted from: NYTimes.com, Ben Stein, Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics, 13th July 2008.

Risk? Check! Expectations? Check! Returns? Check! Investment? Check! Losses? Check! Economic/Relationship Cycle? Check! Realistic measures? TBA!

My EL = Very high risk investment with an ultramicroscopic size of possible long term gains.

Sell off this investment and buy a lower risk investment instead? Off the table :)

love, dreamer.

Wanted

After dropping him off at his apartment in the evening, I was emosi-ing in the car because I don't know when would be the next time I see him. Then at night I went cuckoo while on the way to watch Wanted with the newlyweds because I was missing him so much. Like a little girl who couldn't get that most sought after Barbie, I was "Naaaaakkkkk Jooooonnnnnnnnnnnn". Bodoh, memalukan.

I miss him. Like mad.

love, dreamer.

Useful Tips

I have been home for nearly 4 weeks now. And just after the wedding which was 11 days ago, my daily schedule is not filled with any activity, besides gym in the morning. Other than that, just the usual routine; eat, sleep, tv, online. Shopping is ruled out because, enough is enough. At one point, it's just enough. Being unemployed for 7 months makes me feel how valuable money is *cough cough*. So I came up with a list of things to do if unemployed:

1. Visit www.economist.com, I don't know shit about whatever's going on these days. (Useful tip: Would be useful during interviews).
2. Join the gym, make friends with everyone there cos it's fun when you know people there, especially if you go alone. (Useful tip: Can get potential dates from the gym).
3. Learn to cook new dishes. Seriously, I make the best chicken tortilla wrap. (Useful tip: Prepares you to nest).
4. Go for as many trips as possible, even if it means joining someone else's honeymoon, or mom's work-related course in the East Coast.

Warning:
If you are unemployed and getting involved in anyone's wedding, DO NOT plan or fantasize about yours. Disaster.

That's all that I have been doing. I need a job.

love, dreamer.

Run From You, Run To You

All I want to do now is to run away. That's what I do best. In fact, that's one of my best talents. I wish that for once I know what to do and what is right. That's something which I need to decide by myself, for myself. Isn't there a guide book which tells you what you should do in a given situation? Or what you should decide given the current circumstances? Haven't we heard from somewhere that only fools listen to their heart? Maybe there isn't such guide book because to know what is right and what to decide, we have to believe in ourselves enough and know what ground we're standing on. How does a book guide you into telling you what to believe in, because different people hold different beliefs and different sets of values. There! That's when I run. But running is not growing. If you don't risk you don't learn, thus you don't grow.

I wish I know what the future holds, so that I can be prepared when I am about to fall. But if I am prepared, obviously I could stop myself from falling. How do I learn then? I barely slept last night. I was probably asleep for 3 hours and was half awake half dreaming during the remaining hours. The whole time I was thinking of ways to never let myself fall, perhaps at least the possibility of preventing myself from falling, and how to get back up if I ever fall again. I think that I have had enough heartbreaks (not that I'm implying that I'm in a relationship crisis or anything). It wasn't many. But broken enough to discreetly diminish my faith and beliefs.

love, dreamer.