2.54am.
Still awake. I'm hungry. My body is aching. And I am blogging. Right now I would really like to have my Sara Lee's honeycomb and butterscotch ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce. Pleasure. My sinful pleasure.
It's true what they say. We always look at other people who appear to have better things, better pay, better boyfriend/girlfriend, better car, etc and we judge them as having it all and nothing to worry about. Well the good news is that everyone has shitty things on their minds to think about and not everything is nice and dandy. Life is certainly not easy. Coping with it comes with falling and rising back up again (am i making sense?). To be honest, sometimes when I watch Beyonce or whoever on tv, I secretly wish that I could sing as good. Then I could sing my worries away (HAHAHA!) and have lots of money by using my talent which comes free. Haha I'm so funny. Pfft.
On the other hand, it breaks my heart seeing anyone who is less fortunate than I am, struggling to make the best out of his/her life. And here we are, taking everything for granted. It would be nice to know that someday everyone would be given the same opportunities. Especially in education. That's the stepping stone which would lead us to different paths of life. There shouldn't be a barrier to education.
I feel like I'm in a dark place lately. I need new curtains.
love, dreamer.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Lost & Found
Quoting Meredith Grey, "We're not happy and glowy".
Quoting Betty Suarez, "Sometimes when someone wants something so badly, they forget who's involved. They forget what matters the most".
All I wanna do now is lay on the white sands under the sun at Bondi Beach until there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a career in beach-bumming.
Quoting Betty Suarez, "Sometimes when someone wants something so badly, they forget who's involved. They forget what matters the most".
All I wanna do now is lay on the white sands under the sun at Bondi Beach until there's no tomorrow. I wish there's a career in beach-bumming.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
In Good Company
A string of thoughts came into mind while driving back from the gym today. It started with realizing how much I look forward to tomorrow (today). I get to meet up with my colleagues again, since our last meeting last Friday.
Before over a year ago I think I spent most of my uni life being tied down to a commitment I didn't wish to be in. Then came an old acquaintance on one cold autumn night. I think that I was drawn to him because he was the only part in my life that people around me don't know much about that time. It felt like it's the only place I can have a little freedom in without the other person being nosy. The only place I feel comfortable venting, just about anything. That makes him one of the closest person. Some things in my life were made clearer. The only one I give the privilege to to be honest about what he thinks, as judgmental as one could be. I think the fact that we both take honesty very seriously is the reason that made me feel comfortable. As busy as he was running his life, I relied on him so much at the time I burnt a toast (haha), he managed to be there all the time to talk and listen and judge. I miss that. I think that's a true friend and everyone else would agree.
I used to hate she who turned out to be one of the people who sees right through me when I myself couldn't understand. As much as I don't like hearing the truth from her at times, it always turns out to be right. She has so much strength in herself to have the ability to hide her darkest emotions. I have always tried to do that but I always fail. A big chunk of strength I learnt to pick up the pieces was from her. I don't feel the need to hide the crazy, sometimes unacceptable behaviour from her because of her understanding. There's always something that I want to share and she'd always laugh and cry with me for that.
I grew up with another friend who still remains close to me until today. My childhood friend who knows me and my past too well. To this date, I can't recall a time which she gave negative remarks about myself to me. She is always supportive in everything. Everything. She doesn't judge. Always cheering from behind. Always understood. I know that I can get a good laugh with her when I need one without fail.
I miss having late night talks, long life conversations, sharing random thoughts. I enjoy good company. A place we can talk, share, laugh, cry and be honest about each other. It feels like it doesn't come around as much anymore. And that could make one feel like shutting down. This is the string of thoughts which made me realize that these days my colleagues are my only good company when everyone else is too busy. Now that the 21 of us are separated and assigned to different locations for 2 months, it feels like "argh!". So, even a little thing like having lunch with colleagues tomorrow can make me feel excited.
Looking down the building, I can only see an empty road. Safety net nowhere to be found. Let's wish there's a first aid kit down there.
love, dreamer.
Before over a year ago I think I spent most of my uni life being tied down to a commitment I didn't wish to be in. Then came an old acquaintance on one cold autumn night. I think that I was drawn to him because he was the only part in my life that people around me don't know much about that time. It felt like it's the only place I can have a little freedom in without the other person being nosy. The only place I feel comfortable venting, just about anything. That makes him one of the closest person. Some things in my life were made clearer. The only one I give the privilege to to be honest about what he thinks, as judgmental as one could be. I think the fact that we both take honesty very seriously is the reason that made me feel comfortable. As busy as he was running his life, I relied on him so much at the time I burnt a toast (haha), he managed to be there all the time to talk and listen and judge. I miss that. I think that's a true friend and everyone else would agree.
I used to hate she who turned out to be one of the people who sees right through me when I myself couldn't understand. As much as I don't like hearing the truth from her at times, it always turns out to be right. She has so much strength in herself to have the ability to hide her darkest emotions. I have always tried to do that but I always fail. A big chunk of strength I learnt to pick up the pieces was from her. I don't feel the need to hide the crazy, sometimes unacceptable behaviour from her because of her understanding. There's always something that I want to share and she'd always laugh and cry with me for that.
I grew up with another friend who still remains close to me until today. My childhood friend who knows me and my past too well. To this date, I can't recall a time which she gave negative remarks about myself to me. She is always supportive in everything. Everything. She doesn't judge. Always cheering from behind. Always understood. I know that I can get a good laugh with her when I need one without fail.
I miss having late night talks, long life conversations, sharing random thoughts. I enjoy good company. A place we can talk, share, laugh, cry and be honest about each other. It feels like it doesn't come around as much anymore. And that could make one feel like shutting down. This is the string of thoughts which made me realize that these days my colleagues are my only good company when everyone else is too busy. Now that the 21 of us are separated and assigned to different locations for 2 months, it feels like "argh!". So, even a little thing like having lunch with colleagues tomorrow can make me feel excited.
Looking down the building, I can only see an empty road. Safety net nowhere to be found. Let's wish there's a first aid kit down there.
love, dreamer.
Friday, October 10, 2008
One year
I think that people should equate the speed of time with the speed of light. So much has happened since the past one year. God knows how many ups and downs, how many smiles and tears, how many attempts of running away, how many sleepless nights. I think all of us have gone through too much since the past one year. So many things have changed. People hooking up and breaking up. Newborns, weddings and funerals. I always wish that Doraemon actually exists, maybe in a different less weird form. Then we can go back in time to when we're truly happy, and go through it again cause that moment doesn't come knocking on our doors all the time.
I find it amazing how in one year we have learned so much, at the same time we still don't know enough. Time passes by so quickly and in a blink of an eye, I'll be a year older. Have I achieved everything I'd set out to achieve in a year? Not even close. But the one or two things which turned into reality are the major ones. At least I'm not a liability to my parents anymore. At least I know that I can love someone this much. At least I know what my passion is. At least I realized how much I depend on my closest friends for support.
It has been a great unexpected one year. Unexpected. Wonderfully imperfect. Amazingly perfect.
At least I know that I am the best side of myself in this, which I never knew existed.
I love you more than I myself know.
(Not that he reads this, but yea).
F*** corny sial.
love, dreamer.
I find it amazing how in one year we have learned so much, at the same time we still don't know enough. Time passes by so quickly and in a blink of an eye, I'll be a year older. Have I achieved everything I'd set out to achieve in a year? Not even close. But the one or two things which turned into reality are the major ones. At least I'm not a liability to my parents anymore. At least I know that I can love someone this much. At least I know what my passion is. At least I realized how much I depend on my closest friends for support.
It has been a great unexpected one year. Unexpected. Wonderfully imperfect. Amazingly perfect.
At least I know that I am the best side of myself in this, which I never knew existed.
I love you more than I myself know.
(Not that he reads this, but yea).
F*** corny sial.
love, dreamer.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Put Into Words
Yesterday while chatting with some colleagues, we talked about our 'gifts'. One of them could hypnotize, the other one could read people's behavior. They're interesting people I can tell you that. So I asked him, what he thinks of me. He paused for a while and his mind wandered off which took him longer than it should to answer my question. He said I have a contradicting personality and I have unresolved issues. I gave him a sarcastic smile but told him that I kinda agree with him.
It's ironic how I'd always known that fact but could never quite explain them in the right words. Contradicting. Unresolved issues. They're so simple yet it took me long enough to find out. But haha, no they don't apply to every situation in my life. But yea I do contradict myself at times (you do too okay). Maybe it's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know what would be right. Then again, my dear wise friend told me, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". From then on I try to remember that and choose to be happy, when decisions to be made confuse me.
I'm getting myself too attached that I am scaring myself by that fact. Haha! What a joke. Nothing lasts forever. So why do we put so much energy into something we fancy, which gets us too attached, and when it's time to let go we break ourselves. So what's the point? But then we still do it cos we know we will be happy in getting what we want. Why should anything else matters when you're happy? (An illustration of me contradicting myself).
I want to save the environment by helping to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released. But I can't sleep without the air-cond turned on. Yup. The boyfriend pointed this out to me. Great, I can never save the world now, can I? Pfft.
love, dreamer.
It's ironic how I'd always known that fact but could never quite explain them in the right words. Contradicting. Unresolved issues. They're so simple yet it took me long enough to find out. But haha, no they don't apply to every situation in my life. But yea I do contradict myself at times (you do too okay). Maybe it's because I don't know what I want, and I don't know what would be right. Then again, my dear wise friend told me, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?". From then on I try to remember that and choose to be happy, when decisions to be made confuse me.
I'm getting myself too attached that I am scaring myself by that fact. Haha! What a joke. Nothing lasts forever. So why do we put so much energy into something we fancy, which gets us too attached, and when it's time to let go we break ourselves. So what's the point? But then we still do it cos we know we will be happy in getting what we want. Why should anything else matters when you're happy? (An illustration of me contradicting myself).
I want to save the environment by helping to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide released. But I can't sleep without the air-cond turned on. Yup. The boyfriend pointed this out to me. Great, I can never save the world now, can I? Pfft.
love, dreamer.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Redefining
What I love about my work is that we get paid for learning and socialising. It's ironic how this job reminds me how much I hate tests. Pfft. But everyday I look forward to new things which I will learn, and the silly talks with my colleagues which never fail to make me laugh my ass off. I guess that in general we humans don't like a new environment and resent changes. Until tonight, I never realize that I like the new environment I am in mostly because of the sense of acknowledgement we share. We still barely know each other that well and we make many kind of presumptions towards each other. It's fun. We think that we're as smart as hell (thus why we're the chosen ones) but I know that my academic performance is nowhere near their level. At the same time I discovered my other potentials which I never knew ever existed. So, acknowledgement. Score! Really, I don't believe that I would get the same kind of acknowledgement from people who'd been in my life longer. I guess that it's kind of a redefining moment for me. Going to work is a motivation (surprise, surprise) especially when the feeling of being a failure overpowers everything else. Outside work I think I am a failure as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a bestfriend, as a partner, you name it. Only sometimes ey. I think being in a new environment gives you another chance for a first impression, which sinfully makes me feel good. I can't remember the last time someone thinks that I'm an interesting person to talk to, that I am a nice person, that I am reliable, that I am a leader, that I am a good listener, that I am funny (wth?). All of those were said, which I never thought of as myself. Like the saying goes, who you really are is a mirror of how others see you. Sometimes I feel like disappearing.
Then on the other hand, how do you cope with the feeling of being a failure? It's such a subjective topic that no one would have an accurate measure of it.
love, dreamer.
Then on the other hand, how do you cope with the feeling of being a failure? It's such a subjective topic that no one would have an accurate measure of it.
love, dreamer.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Time Behind Closed Doors
When we were seven, we talked about the newest Barbie dolls and action hero figures. When we were twelve, we talked about girl/boy bands and what's cool. When we were fourteen we talked about other people's business, like who's the bitch in school and who likes who. When we were seventeen we talked about our final exam and who broke up with who. In college we talked about our future careers and which club to go next. We talk about different things as we grow through time.
Three weeks have passed since I started a new phase of life. 9 hours a day with people who are equally competent in their own strengths. Being the youngest among the 21 smart asses, somehow it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't take life too seriously. I don't put as much pressure in any aspect of my life, or at least I try. They come from various backgrounds with different life experiences. Yet, one thing they have in common is direction in life. Now I know why our employer has high expectations on us being the future leaders. These people think ahead. Thanks for the pep talks, good friends (as they'd like to be regarded). It's funny how a conversation about my short trip to Australia led to being asked "So where is your relationship heading to? Why waste time?". Wow. Did I mention that half of them are about to settle down? 9 hours a day, and 95% of the time they talk about relationships. I don't know why, they just do.
The answer is simple. I just don't wanna give up. Is that wrong?
love, dreamer.
Three weeks have passed since I started a new phase of life. 9 hours a day with people who are equally competent in their own strengths. Being the youngest among the 21 smart asses, somehow it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't take life too seriously. I don't put as much pressure in any aspect of my life, or at least I try. They come from various backgrounds with different life experiences. Yet, one thing they have in common is direction in life. Now I know why our employer has high expectations on us being the future leaders. These people think ahead. Thanks for the pep talks, good friends (as they'd like to be regarded). It's funny how a conversation about my short trip to Australia led to being asked "So where is your relationship heading to? Why waste time?". Wow. Did I mention that half of them are about to settle down? 9 hours a day, and 95% of the time they talk about relationships. I don't know why, they just do.
The answer is simple. I just don't wanna give up. Is that wrong?
love, dreamer.
Monday, August 11, 2008
In Between Dreams
Okay so here's something honest.
I used to think that blogging is stupid and it's for people who don't have a life of their own.
I'm sorry but I have to be honest about what I used to think.
Until, well, until I felt like I needed a place where nobody knows me and where I can spill shits to. Which was May 2007.
That was just an introduction which has nothing to do with this post. Sorry. So I got inspired to write this post when I felt a pinch in my stomach yesterday. I can still feel it at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck in between two options, and both seem so vague to you. You don't know what the future holds for both options and you could only keep your eyes closed and take the risk of walking in the thick fog. What's worse is when your heart tells you something but you choose to be optimistic. Now now, optimistic or idealistic? I'd say idealistic. And we're supposed to be realistic. To me, if I were to be realistic it would mean giving up on a chance being given to me, and not being patient enough (rule out your friends' experiences in the same case). Being idealistic, is of course, being a little bit too dreamy and a little bit too optimistic. You know what your head is telling you. You know that no matter how vague the picture in your mind is, being idealistic will not bring you to where you want to be.
So I'm conflicting with these two vague options. You want a sweet apple but you know you're only getting the sour orange (wtf?). Your heart isn't leaning towards any one of it more than it does on the other. You're just stuck in the middle, with extra weight in your heart whichever path you choose.
Fuck reality.
love, dreamer.
I used to think that blogging is stupid and it's for people who don't have a life of their own.
I'm sorry but I have to be honest about what I used to think.
Until, well, until I felt like I needed a place where nobody knows me and where I can spill shits to. Which was May 2007.
That was just an introduction which has nothing to do with this post. Sorry. So I got inspired to write this post when I felt a pinch in my stomach yesterday. I can still feel it at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck in between two options, and both seem so vague to you. You don't know what the future holds for both options and you could only keep your eyes closed and take the risk of walking in the thick fog. What's worse is when your heart tells you something but you choose to be optimistic. Now now, optimistic or idealistic? I'd say idealistic. And we're supposed to be realistic. To me, if I were to be realistic it would mean giving up on a chance being given to me, and not being patient enough (rule out your friends' experiences in the same case). Being idealistic, is of course, being a little bit too dreamy and a little bit too optimistic. You know what your head is telling you. You know that no matter how vague the picture in your mind is, being idealistic will not bring you to where you want to be.
So I'm conflicting with these two vague options. You want a sweet apple but you know you're only getting the sour orange (wtf?). Your heart isn't leaning towards any one of it more than it does on the other. You're just stuck in the middle, with extra weight in your heart whichever path you choose.
Fuck reality.
love, dreamer.
Friday, August 8, 2008
A Sack of Candies
Life is like a box of chocolates is totally overrated.
For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.
I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.
love, dreamer.
For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.
I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.
love, dreamer.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Comfort
Somehow we as human beings always find something to comfort our instable emotions. Be it food, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, the beach, or just anything which would help us feel better. I turn to f.r.i.e.n.d.s. Watching it over and over again never fail to cheer me up a lil'. It doesn't help solve my confusions, it doesn't help giving me directions which I need in life, it doesn't tell me what to do, it doesn't ask me anything. Yes, at times I turn to food for comfort. Emotional eater as some would say. But most of the time it doesn't comfort me at all, and instead makes me kill myself at the gym. Seriously, 1.5hrs of cardio and an hour session of yoga kills me enough. Comfort food only destroy the efforts I made. The chocolate coated digestives biscuit is 85 calories each. That's like, 12 minutes on the treadmill? Let's be honest. I don't eat only one biscuit at a time. At least four. You do the math. Okay that's not my point.
My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.
No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.
Let's get stoned! Woohoo!
love, dreamer.
My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.
No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.
Let's get stoned! Woohoo!
love, dreamer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
