Giving and Taking

Happiness comes when you expect nothing in return.

That's what my mom told me. It took me quite some time to accept that and learn to implement it. It's really hard. Slowly, I think I am getting there.

I think that sometimes it depends on the situation that you're in, that determines what sort of a person you tend to become. You would listen better if your teacher is more open and understanding. Isn't that the same case in any kind of relationship? I think there is a myth about, not giving your all because you're gonna end up getting hurt and taken advantage of. I have always believed that. I'm not sure if I still believe that, because it's quite selfish isn't it? If all of us hold on to that same belief, then everyone's just going to be self-centered and selfish. That's just plain ego. And isn't that against our religions? The religions have different terms, but have the same meaning, and that's the dysfunction of our mind.

I had an enormous size of ego. I refused to give my best because I felt that he's unworthy, in my previous relationship that is. But now. Now. I am learning to give and give, and try not to expect anything in return. It's hard and scary giving my best because I have never done it before until now. It's scary because I am scared of feeling unworthy if I'm not given nearly as much as I am giving. Nonetheless, giving your best in your relationship should apply to every relationship to make it work right? Or is it because giving your best expressed differently in different relationships in different ways? So, am I being given just as much as I am giving but don't know how to see it, or am I just kidding myself for giving my best? I'm as scared as hell.

All I can do now is giving and not expecting anything in return. Because not giving but expecting in return clearly didn't work out for me. I'm letting my guards down that I have never been so vulnerable in my life. But that's how it's supposed to be to make it work isn't it? Taking risks. Kinda fun. Kinda suicidal. May god bless me and I survive if I ever fall. I blame myself for being too in love. Bite me.

love, dreamer.

A New Earth

A New Earth has made it to the top in my list of favourite books. Oprah named Eckhart Tolle as the God of Spiritual Teaching. His teaching is not aligned to any religion or culture. I have only read 12 pages, and there is no way I can convince anyone to believe how deeply it got into me. I feel like I am feeling and understanding myself. As if someone is speaking to me about who I am deep inside. Still, 12 pages won't bring you even close to a life changing phase. Not yet. I am still unawakened, imperfect, and everything human.

Months ago, I was hurt. Hurt so badly that it was worse than a broken heart, and I was never hurt that way before. I believe that it was because I was holding on to things which I don't know if I was doing the right thing. Everyone has their highs and lows. And I guess at that point I felt that I didn't have a soft place to fall, where I can be strong to safely get back up.

Until last July, I had a huge ego. I was stubborn. I was rebellious. I was angry. I was unhappy. I refused to give the best of me. And it was all because I had lost myself, and tried so hard to be myself but was not allowed to. Then till now, I am my self (notice the space between 'my' and 'self'). Tiniest size of ego. I put other's feelings first. I listen. I am not angry. I don't complain. I am giving the best of me. If I am being appreciated, in what way is it being expressed? I just want that answer.

I hope A New Earth would help.

love, dreamer.

Finale

It took going out with someone else, and seeing a therapist, to get Derek and Meredith to finally end up with each other. In reality, yes it takes shitty things to go through to make it work, but reality isn't on your side when it comes to a happy ending like theirs, does it? This isn't a pessimist talking, it's a realist instead. Derek swept Meredith off her feet all the time. I hate living in this show every time I watch it. Wishing the rush and the skipped heartbeats are real stuff. Damn the scriptwriters.

love, dreamer.

Blessed, Not Lucky

Just wondering. If we believe that God plans everything for us, then we are blessed by God in achieving our dreams, wishes and prayers. Are we lucky, or blessed, for having a roof as a shelter? Are we lucky, or blessed, for scoring that promotion? Are we lucky, or blessed, to win a trip to Europe? God plans it all, and things don't just happen by luck. So we're blessed. Right? Why do we say that we're lucky then?

I just had a good dinner with friends, although I wasn't even hungry while there are millions of children around the world who are suffering from hunger. If you're reading this, clearly you are blessed, because you have enough money to own a computer/laptop, and enough money to access the internet. Surely you have enough money for food too. I don't believe that you're on a risk of getting blown up by bombs too.

You didn't get a Distinction for your assignment because you didn't put enough effort. You got your heart broken because you've failed to realize how much you're worth. You didn't get that job because it isn't suitable for you. Your friends fucked you up because you put too much faith in them. Think again. And stop feeling sorry for yourself.

love, dreamer.

Happiness

Inspiring Quotes:

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer

Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations. - Edward De Bono

Sometimes I tend to forget that we learn to be stronger when we fall. Thanks to my experiences, I believe that everything happens for a good reason, to bring us to where we are, to shape us into who we want to be. At times it takes a tragedy to make us realize that we are blessed with what we have, and learn to appreciate what we already have instead of searching for the things we can't have. I was told that happiness comes when we expect nothing in return.

What gets us 'lost' in living is being ungrateful. Sometimes it's okay to feel 'lost', cos then you'll realize what you have been blessed with once you get back on the right path. That's when you figure out what is important to you and appreciate the little things even more. It's okay to be 'lost', because it's a learning experience to help you grow and figure things out.

love, dreamer.

Al-fatihah

Hi,

After years of battling with his health, my grandfather has gone back to rahmatullah at 10.35am KL time on the 21st of April 2008.

Sometime 10 years ago, my parents told me that my grandfather has been diagnosed with the Alzheimer's disease, a side-effect we're all aware that he'd get after his operation. Along the years, his memory loss became more and more apparent. And at one point which I never noticed, he forgot the names of his grandchildren, and it went on. He only remembered the people who were always by his side, especially my grandmother and his children. I'm sad because I don't have a lot of memories about him. A picture which is always on my mind was a time when he stood by the door of his house with his golf bag in his red striped polo tshirt, waited for my uncles to go golfing. I remember we went to London together, and I stayed at the hotel with him most of the time playing with my doll while everyone went for their shopping spree (the time when I was into dolls, not shopping). We went to the States together too but I can't remember that. We went to Pulau Tuba where we stayed in a chalet by the waterfall which my uncle built, and Penang!

When he started getting really sick, he barely gets up on his feet. Then came the time when he had to start using a wheelchair. It became harder for him to walk to the kitchen table to have lunch or dinner with us. It was almost impossible for me to see him lying on his bed, looking absolutely frail and fragile. It was hard because he had been an active and strong man. Seeing him weak just made me sad throughout the years he was sick. He started forgetting my name, then forgot that I'm his granddaughter. That happened to everyone. He had been sick for many years and was in pain at the end. I am sad, because I've lost someone, who was the head of the Taib family. I'm also glad that he is now content and in a better place. I have been keeping his book which he passed to his daughter-in-law, my mom. It's the 1937 edition of "The Hobbit" by J.R.R Tolkien. How cool? I've never read it but it's sitting in my bookshelf in my room. It's very old.

I never had the chance to tell him that I love him. Tok Ayah, I love you.

love, the loving granddaughter.

Uncertainty kills

Hi,

I do this to myself all the time. Second guessing my actions and decisions. Unsure about what I should do. When I get the feeling that I should do something, I always manage to find reasons which would stop me from doing it. I don't know if that's just me being in denial to face reality, or me being fantastic for holding on to faith. Sometimes I believe in impossible things, I can't help it. Again, I don't know if that's being a believer, or a dreamer. Every decisions I make, every thoughts I allow to cross my mind, I'm always torn in between two different reasonings. You see, I'm trying to do the right thing as I've learned from my mistakes. I think I know what I should do for my own sake, but then what if that's the wrong thing to do? I don't think I have enough faith in myself to act on my own decisions. All I know is that I should hold on to what makes me happy. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Gosh so stop thinking already dammit! Bye.

love, dreamer.

Numb

Have you ever been in a place where you are in the middle of nowhere? You want to go somewhere safe but if you start walking on the road to your left, you'd be walking on pieces of broken glasses. If you start walking on the road to your right, you'd get your chest slit opened and your heart stabbed by an asylum escapee. The latter is quick, but it's painful. Or do you just stand where you are right now, wait for some kind of a miracle to happen by holding on to faith. Oh, did I mention that faith backfired on you the last time? Expecting and hoping are out of the list and you can't count on them.

I am being the best I can be because I believe that anything good and worth it is hard. People don't just give up when they want to have something right? And yes, I was the kind of person who gives up all the time when times are hard. In anything. So is this some kind of a patience test? I should get a medal then shouldn't I? All I want to know is whether my effort will be paid off with generous credits, or am I just kidding myself? I am in the middle of nowhere, where hopes and dreams aren't allowed. Left, right, middle....all the same.

love, dreamer.

Happy Lovers' Day

I so love Like a Star by Corinne Bailey Rae. Oh, happy valentine's day to everyone who loves me :)
I feel so...single. I will throw my slippers to any couple who displays their affection publicly today, no kidding.

I visited my bestfriend at her place as it was her birthday and she happened to have a massive headache. And I couldn't stop giggling watching her boyfriend pampering her and caring for her because I never thought he's that type. No wonder she still gets weak in her knees after 1+ years. I'm happy that she gets part of the happiness she truly deserves.

This actually made me think about being moderate. You know how humans are never satisfied with what they have. Too little of something and too much of something is never good. It's best to be somewhere in the middle to attain good balance. When you get too little of something, you crave for more. When you get too much of something, you wish it would go away. I on the other hand personally feel that too much of something is better than too little of something, cos that's where your satisfaction is overmaximised.

love, dreamer.

Untitled

I have about 35 days left in KL. Then I'm off to Sydney, then Melbourne. It's as scary as hell but I am looking forward to it. Hell I don't even know if I'm good enough to get a job there. I hope I get a job real soon. I feel like a hopeless unemployed graduate.

If you want something, you gotta work for it like you want it. Not sit around, waiting for things to just happen.

I need a getaway.