A Sack of Candies

Life is like a box of chocolates is totally overrated.

For the past few days, I have learned many valuable life lessons. One of it is, the saying don't judge a book by its cover literally applies in real life. Along the way, people never fail to surprise you. You'd think that that nerd looking guy is humble, but he turns out to be someone opposite. You'd think that that cocky guy doesn't need to be in the same room as you are, but he turns out to be a lot similar to you. I have also learned that not many of us are as fortunate as we are. Yet, we still take things for granted and complain. I have also learned the power of truly believing in your prayers.

I don't really believe in going with the flow as everything will fall into place by itself. I believe that everything requires hard work to make it happen. On top of hard work, faith plays a full time role in assisting things to work out. I also believe that having self doubts just mean that you don't know what you really want. I believe that if you know what you want, all you need is focus followed by strong faith in yourself, and scrap off those excuses you've listed down as nothing will stop you from getting it. I can only go as far as knowing what I want and give my best working towards it. Whether it will work out or not is out of my hands.

love, dreamer.

Comfort

Somehow we as human beings always find something to comfort our instable emotions. Be it food, friends, alcohol, drugs, sex, music, the beach, or just anything which would help us feel better. I turn to f.r.i.e.n.d.s. Watching it over and over again never fail to cheer me up a lil'. It doesn't help solve my confusions, it doesn't help giving me directions which I need in life, it doesn't tell me what to do, it doesn't ask me anything. Yes, at times I turn to food for comfort. Emotional eater as some would say. But most of the time it doesn't comfort me at all, and instead makes me kill myself at the gym. Seriously, 1.5hrs of cardio and an hour session of yoga kills me enough. Comfort food only destroy the efforts I made. The chocolate coated digestives biscuit is 85 calories each. That's like, 12 minutes on the treadmill? Let's be honest. I don't eat only one biscuit at a time. At least four. You do the math. Okay that's not my point.

My blue has turned into the darkest gray. I think the cause of this phenomena is a pool with mixed emotions swimming in it. Confusions, worries, undecided paths, patience running out, everything. Sometimes I wish I'm not a volcano. I take in silently and "Nothing" is my best answer when asked, and when the time comes I just explode. I wanna be, a koala. Sit on a gum tree all day and get high on the gum leaves. So chill.

No amount of self help books can actually comfort me. No amount of bad calories can comfort me. No amount of hours watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s can comfort me. The only thing which could comfort me is the only thing I can't get to now. The only place I don't wanna go to. Because the only thing which could comfort me isn't always there. And the worst part is that he doesn't even know the existence of this.

Let's get stoned! Woohoo!

love, dreamer.

Economics of Love

Thank you for sharing this with me, dear rainbow heart sister.

"In general, and with rare exceptions, the returns in love situations are roughly proportional to the amount of time and devotion invested. The amount of love you get from an investment in love is correlated, if only roughly, to the amount of yourself you invest in the relationship."

"You need expectations that match reality before you can make some progress. There may be exceptions, but they are rare."

Adapted from: NYTimes.com, Ben Stein, Lessons in Love, by Way of Economics, 13th July 2008.

Risk? Check! Expectations? Check! Returns? Check! Investment? Check! Losses? Check! Economic/Relationship Cycle? Check! Realistic measures? TBA!

My EL = Very high risk investment with an ultramicroscopic size of possible long term gains.

Sell off this investment and buy a lower risk investment instead? Off the table :)

love, dreamer.

Wanted

After dropping him off at his apartment in the evening, I was emosi-ing in the car because I don't know when would be the next time I see him. Then at night I went cuckoo while on the way to watch Wanted with the newlyweds because I was missing him so much. Like a little girl who couldn't get that most sought after Barbie, I was "Naaaaakkkkk Jooooonnnnnnnnnnnn". Bodoh, memalukan.

I miss him. Like mad.

love, dreamer.

Useful Tips

I have been home for nearly 4 weeks now. And just after the wedding which was 11 days ago, my daily schedule is not filled with any activity, besides gym in the morning. Other than that, just the usual routine; eat, sleep, tv, online. Shopping is ruled out because, enough is enough. At one point, it's just enough. Being unemployed for 7 months makes me feel how valuable money is *cough cough*. So I came up with a list of things to do if unemployed:

1. Visit www.economist.com, I don't know shit about whatever's going on these days. (Useful tip: Would be useful during interviews).
2. Join the gym, make friends with everyone there cos it's fun when you know people there, especially if you go alone. (Useful tip: Can get potential dates from the gym).
3. Learn to cook new dishes. Seriously, I make the best chicken tortilla wrap. (Useful tip: Prepares you to nest).
4. Go for as many trips as possible, even if it means joining someone else's honeymoon, or mom's work-related course in the East Coast.

Warning:
If you are unemployed and getting involved in anyone's wedding, DO NOT plan or fantasize about yours. Disaster.

That's all that I have been doing. I need a job.

love, dreamer.

Run From You, Run To You

All I want to do now is to run away. That's what I do best. In fact, that's one of my best talents. I wish that for once I know what to do and what is right. That's something which I need to decide by myself, for myself. Isn't there a guide book which tells you what you should do in a given situation? Or what you should decide given the current circumstances? Haven't we heard from somewhere that only fools listen to their heart? Maybe there isn't such guide book because to know what is right and what to decide, we have to believe in ourselves enough and know what ground we're standing on. How does a book guide you into telling you what to believe in, because different people hold different beliefs and different sets of values. There! That's when I run. But running is not growing. If you don't risk you don't learn, thus you don't grow.

I wish I know what the future holds, so that I can be prepared when I am about to fall. But if I am prepared, obviously I could stop myself from falling. How do I learn then? I barely slept last night. I was probably asleep for 3 hours and was half awake half dreaming during the remaining hours. The whole time I was thinking of ways to never let myself fall, perhaps at least the possibility of preventing myself from falling, and how to get back up if I ever fall again. I think that I have had enough heartbreaks (not that I'm implying that I'm in a relationship crisis or anything). It wasn't many. But broken enough to discreetly diminish my faith and beliefs.

love, dreamer.

Speech

Part of my speech at the wedding reception last Saturday:

"Walking down the aisle in the ballroom just moments ago was when I finally faced the fact that my brother whom I grew up with is no longer a boy, but a man with full of hope, faith, sincerity and love to make a commitment many of us are still afraid to make. I am really proud to see the brother I grew up with, has become a man. To my loving brother Afiq, who has always been the person we all go to, when times are good and rough. My earliest memory about you was that we always stick together when we were kids. I remember that whenever I was scared, you would protect me. Until today. You always took care of me when our parents were not around. I remember that I cried so hard on my first day of school because I couldn’t find you around and you came to my rescue afterwards. Just as how you have always protected me, I promise that I will protect you just the same. I promise that I won’t tell anyone that you used to play with my Barbie dolls. There are many more memories which, as I grow up I realize how much I have always count on you as my brother, and that I could count on you no matter what the circumstances are. You have been the most amazing brother and I am truly blessed for that. No one can ask for a better brother. "

love, dreamer.

Easy Come, Easy Go

Last year was an amazing year. Highs and lows which brought me where I am today. The happiest period of time was last Spring in Sydney. So many stories, so many moments, which are still being repeated in my head, wishing I could turn back time and go through it again. That was the time when I enjoyed living in the moment. I truly understood the meaning of living in the present. The joy of being in the present. It went away just as quickly as it came. Everything seemed so beautiful, so alive, so new, so wonderful.

I want a story. I wonder if I would ever have one which could be shared on my wedding day and bring me to tears as I listen to it. I wonder if someone would look at me the way he did. And still look at me the same way till the end.

love, dreamer.

Don't Link Me!

Dear favourite people, don't link me in your blogs! But add me ruberstella@gmail.com :)
I want to put my blog on private but so many complain that it's a hassle having to log in just to read my blog. Dang. So, don't link! Please!

love, dreamer.

Forever

This is a picture of two people who are in love and made a commitment to be with each other forever, for better or worse. These are two brave people, who have enough faith in each other to make such commitment.

To some of us it is scary. To some of us it is a big deal. To some of us it is the end of freedom. I think that some of us feel that way because we haven't found the right person. Or that we haven't reached that point in our relationship where we feel that it's all worth it. To me a marriage is a beautiful thing... (long pause) because of the faith and hope the two people have in each other that make them strong enough to make a commitment most of us are afraid of.

The moment I see the way the newlyweds look at each other, with full of hope, trust, faith, love and pure happiness, I couldn't help even a tear from falling. I am learning to take a very deep breath to stop my tears from falling at weddings. Gosh, so corny. It's the feeling that we all yearn for deep inside but never want to admit it. Okay lost my train of thoughts. Bye.

love, dreamer.